Family Photos 2009

We just had a lovely afternoon taking family photos at the old train station in quaint little old town Warrenton. Thanks to our friends, the Carlsons, for taking these for us. These were some of our favorites (even though Ella was a stinker and didn't smile in a lot of them). Just a preview... Christmas cards soon to come:)

Of all the many blessings I could list being thankful for, these photos capture the most precious. I'm so thankful for my little family, the knowledge that we can be together forever, and that at this time we are safe and healthy. We hope everyone is doing well and has a wonderful Thanksgiving (my absolutely favorite holiday). We're headed to North Carolina so we'll post more about our fun adventures later this week. Until then, be safe and enjoy a wonderful holiday of giving thanks!

Twenty Down

Hi friends and family,

Just a quick health update. I officially finished the program I was on this week and met my 20lb goal. Yes, I'd love to lose another 5-10 and the doctor said during the maintanence phase I could likely lose another five or so. But ya' know, even if I just maintain I'm very proud of myself. For the first time in a long time I've set a goal to lose weight and had it work successfully. For any of you feeling the same way I highly recommend checking out the program:

http://www.atlantismedispa.com/weightLoss.html

This one is in Maryland but I know there are doctors doing this all over the country. Just make sure you find an actual doctor who knows what they're doing. My doctor looked at my blood work and monitored my body fat percentage too to make sure I was really on the right track.

Shaun has beend doing the program too and has lost 17 pounds or so as well. It's been really wonderful for us though I'd be lying if I said we're not looking forward to actually eating out one of these days:)

My Happy Place

First of all I want to thank each of you that left comments on my earlier post about feeling stuck. It's therapeutic to vent but it's even more therapeutic to know I'm not just sending my thoughts out into the void of cyberspace (I mean, I am, but not just that). I've actually got friends and family who read and care about what I have to say. That can be so empowering and means more than you'll know.

This weekend I had an epiphany which all of you at some point in time must have already had. I say this because each of you in your own way communicated this in your comments, and yet I was too dense to see it. I have been relying solely upon my own merits for some time now to endure working when I so badly want to be home. That hasn't been ideal but it's been doable since Shaun was at home with Ella and work is really pretty good. But within the last two weeks the situation has been exacerbated by having to take Ella to an actual daycare and then having crazy lady at work be... well... crazy, and that's when I broke down and wrote my last blog. At that point I was still trying to do this on my own. My strategies when I get upset usually include going to my happy places which include: 1. Target (whoever doesn't enjoy Target as a Happy Place is missing out)or 2. Planning some distant vacation with funding that will be in abundance at the time of the actual trip. Both of these strategies involve spending money or envisioning what money could do to make me happy. I'm not saying I don't like these strategies. There's a time and a place for both and they do get me excited. But what on earth happened to going to my Father in Heaven? You would think He should be number one on my list of places to go to feel relief and peace, or in other words, He should be my number one "Happy Place". In theory I know this but I have been falling on short when it comes to putting this into practice. Each of you reminded me that He will help me know His plan and purpose for this time and season of my life. And even if He doesn't reveal this right away He can give the peace and assurance of knowing I'm on the right track. If I'm not on the right track, He'll let me know that too.

The point is my Father in Heaven loves me, and if anyone knows what I'm going through it is Him. I have a deep and abiding testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that when the burden I carry becomes too heavy he is there to help carry the load if I would only allow him to help me. Stubborn me trying to do everything on my own. The Lord knows I love my family, and He knows I'm trying to do what's best for all of them. He will help me and maybe it wont be as I expected, but remembering He is there has made all the difference today. How quickly I forget. How prideful I become thinking I don't need his help. I've been humbled as I have reflected on how short I fall without his aid. He truly will make up the difference. He already has, I just have to accept his help. I'm so grateful for my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to be happy. I'm so grateful to all of you who helped me remember to turn to Him and He would direct my path for good. I'm filled with peace that He does have a plan for our little family and tonight I am grateful for that peace. I look forward to seeing His plan unfold, but I will also remember to find joy in the journey as I allow Him to walk by my side.

"E" is for Elephant

Twas all Hallow's Eve, tricker treaters about,

When what did we spy, an elephant snout.

For one little girl was dressed all in grey,

and when you opened your door,

"treat" she would say.

Yes "E" is for Elephant this Halloween night,

and Ella Celeste was quite a cute sight,

She was the cutest little animal we ever did see.

Ella our elephant all filled with candy!

Stuck

What a week this has been! I am grateful for Shaun's new job. It's nice to see him in this role of provider. Anyone who's known me for more than ten seconds probably knows I would gladly relinquish this title of breadwinner to him in a milisecond. I am tired of providing. First of all, I've already done it for the past five years and second of all, I don't think I'm the best budgeter.
I've re-worked the budget every way imaginable to see if I could stay home and the numbers don't add up. It could be do to a lack of skill in budgeting but more likely it's related to the fact that Shaun is starting out making just a little more than half of what I make. If we want to save and buy a home my pay check will be required at least on a part time basis. I feel so completely stuck. It's not that I don't love and appreciate my job. I enjoy what I do and some days even feel like I'm making a difference . I enjoy the families I work with and all of my colleagues with the exception of one. This week has proven to be particularly difficult due to a communication problem with this individual. I have felt the need to defend myself as a professional which is absolutely ridiculous because I know I'm trustworthy and responsible. The sad truth is she dropped the ball and is trying to make me out as a scapegoat. It's been sucky all the way around but it reeks of work politics and power trips which I cannot stand. Do your job and do it well! Why does it have to be so complicated. Sheesh! Despite words of support from my supervisor and other colleagues it has still been an extremely difficult week, one in which I've been left questioning how good I am at any of this. Leaving my little girl a mess at daycare only to go and deal with a colleague who can best be described as a moron has been heartbreaking. Realizing we are far away from where I'd like us to be financially has been another reality check. Both of these situations have me feeling like a loser, and yet to fix one I must admit defeat with the other. I could stay home and we could go into debt up to our eye balls or I can stick things out with my moron of a colleague and continue with this career only to feel like a failure at home. Hence the feeling stuck! Shaun has an easier time seeing the bigger picture, but Shaun also doesn't lay awake at night worrying about how Ella will do the next day at the sitter's and he's not the one that has to arrange picking her up and dropping her off. All of this falls on me and it's extremely draining!

My goodness I'm a complainer. Here I've been begging for Shaun to find a job and now I'm upet about daycare. I want Shaun to know how proud of him I am and that I really am grateful he has this position. I know it has long term potential but for the here and now I don't know where it leaves me. I think it leaves me still working which is a bit disappointing. It would be different if I had always wanted to be a working mom but that was never my dream. And while I realize it's pretty good as far as jobs go, it's still a job. I think it would also be different if we didn't live in such an affluent area also. All of our friends here in this area are in a different place in life. They are five to ten years older than us and have lovely homes and the moms don't work. They've been wonderful as they've helped me out in a pinch to watch Ella. And yet there's no way for me to repay them. I feel indebted to everyone. I've been a working professional with a master's degree for five years so why on earth do I feel so behind?

This question lends itself to the only possible answer... I am a loser! That's how I'm feeling tonight. I feel stuck and frustrated. I feel undervalued at work, frustrated with having to leave my little girl in the hands of someone I barely know (though she seems very nice), and sad that I can't seem to get a hold of our budget. Does it ever get better? Should I just chill and relax a little or should I be making some serious changes? I'm at a loss.

Feeling Inspired

Today has been magnificent. Nothing hugely spectacular has happened today, but the sun has been out, the weather is holding in the low 70's, and the leaves are at their peak. Driving to Marshall today for work there were moments that I found myself in awe of the beautiful country roads with fall foliage all around. I was thinking that these scenes belong in a movie, not in every day life, and yet here I am getting to enjoy them in person- simple, ordinary me. It was a "drive with the windows down" kind of day. I enjoyed hanging out with my little girl, spending time with family, and even got quite a bit accomplished at work. It really is the simple moments that come to mean so much.

I need to start carrying my camera in my car again to catch up these breathtaking moments on film. There's something so incredible about sunlight hitting trees in just the right way, or light filtering through the trees and hitting a landscape just right. Today inspires the photographer in me. So for fun here are a few photos I shot last season. Since I've let my photography blog fall to the wayside at least I can post a few photos here.

Current Events

A quick update for friends and family regarding the Calderwood Chronicle's current events.

First, Shaun begins work tomorrow. He will be working for a commercial flooring company as one of their sales representatives in the Northern VA/MD area. The commute will be long but the job is a job, and potentially a very good job. We'll see how the next six months go and if things are going well we'll probably look into buying a home. The goal is still for me to go down to part time next July so we'll see how he's doing at meeting he's sales goals at that point. His position isn't the pay we were quite hoping for but with commission could potentially exceed our expectations... again time will tell. It's good in that it will certainly motivate Shaun to meet his numbers. He's excited and I'm excited for him.

Secondly, I've lost 15 pounds. I'm half way to my goal, but like I said from the start even if I just lose five more pounds I'll be content. I have just ten days left of the program so I think five more pounds is realistic. I can work on the remaining ten slow and steady. I fear the holidays may make this hard but if I can manage to eat nothing but chicken and grapefruit for a month I can handle the holidays!