I haven't been the best blogger lately, and I especially haven't been so good about turning to blogging to search my heart and process all that is going on in my life, and from time to time, I really like to do that. First of all, I want to express how extremely grateful I am for the blessings in my life. I love my beautiful girls and am constantly learning from them and amazed at how they are growing and learning. I'm grateful that they are healthy and strong, that they ask good questions and that they enjoy playing with each other. I'm also very grateful for my husband. He's a good man. He goes to work every day at unseemly hours and works 10 hour shifts after sitting in traffic. He is working to advance himself in his career, and I am very proud of how far he's come. And this year I'm ESPECIALLY grateful for our new home. For so many years we lived in the basement hoping we could have a place of our own, and I couldn't be happier with our home and how it's turned out. It's absolutely lovely! Perfect!
Beyond that we continued to be blessed by wonderful and supportive parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and friends. We have our health. Truly, I acknowledge up front that we are blessed. And I hate to throw in a "but", but here it comes... I do worry about our finances. I think I thought that since all the doors opened in just the right way that we knew we were supposed to get into our home, that meant the Lord would bless us financially with a better job for Shaun right away. I'm so silly. I keep thinking it will be easy. But life is not supposed to be easy. I have no regrets. I know this is where we are supposed to be, and I knew it would be tight for us with our mortgage essentially tripling what we had been paying before in rent. I remember listening to Elder Bednar's talk from this last conference about "The Windows of Heaven," and he talked about this very subject. He said that sometimes the Lord doesn't answer our prayers the way we would hope. We may want the big promotion, but he blesses us with the ability to live within our means instead. I have contemplated that talk and thought long and hard about what we could do to show the Lord we are doing all we can to live within our means. We have both cut out our gym memberships, we cut off cable, and we are trying to eat out less. I've stopped (virtually... almost stopped) buying things on line. We have started to make sacrifices so that we can make things work. Sunday we discussed trusting in the Lord. I think it's hard for me to trust the Lord when so often I feel like he is a silent partner in my life. Is he really hearing me?
I've been guilty of thinking if I do all the right things, he obviously should bless me for doing everything right, right? Sometimes not so much. Why? Well, I suppose because sometimes the lesson is simply if we will endure and continue on in obedience even when things aren't falling together as we had hoped. Sometimes you get hit even harder. For instance, after having a pretty amazing Sunday and re-realizing why the Lord might be allowing us to continue to struggle financially, Shaun's car broke down (for the third time in six weeks) on the way to work Tuesday morning. We've been nursing his poor little car along for the last couple of years. It's got 220k miles on it and it's definitely seen better days, but it's payed for. We've been trying to keep it and avoid another payment on another vehicle since we are still paying on the van. Well, I think this was the final straw. I don't think the little Nissan can go anymore. We put $700 into it last month, and there's no telling that even if we fix it this time for another $300 it won't break down again in a couple of weeks. So now we are left at trying to find an affordable, reliable car for Shaun to commute to work in, and that obviously means we will incur a new payment. So we are prayerful and hopeful that we will find something that works for our needs and that we can make it work within our budget. It's funny. Sometimes when your prayer is to avoid debt and live within your means, you get hit even harder. Sometimes we just have to laugh about it or else we might break down in tears.
It's times like this that I wonder, truly and honestly, is the Lord HEARING us? Is he being funny? It's certainly ironic. But then I remember, "The Future Belongs to God." I read that today, and it really struck me. I have so many doubts, fears, concerns about the future. How will we make such and such work? How will we get through? But we are indeed trying to be obedient. We are doing all that lies within our power, and sure there is room for growth, but we are on the right path. The Lord is ultimately at the helm. He is in charge. I need to remind myself of that more. Because when I think I'm in charge with my little brain that can only think of the small picture, I get overwhelmed. I get nervous, I start to doubt. But the Lord is really the one in charge. He will take care of us. We will be okay. Look, we got into this wonderful home, and I know without a doubt He helped us with that move. I know, not quite without a doubt yet, so I suppose I should say I believe he will help us with our finances. We will continue to make sacrifices to live within our means, and in time I believe he will bless Shaun with an even better job so that we can live more comfortably. But in the mean time, he's teaching us to sacrifice, to work together so we don't go into more debt. He will help us if we ask. Sometimes we won't realize He's helping us until we can look back and see with our 20/20 hindsight.
I know the Lord loves me. I know He wants me to grow and learn during my time here in this mortal probation. This is the trial I have been called to bare, and trust me I'd rather have this trial than many of the others out there. There may be far worse things I am called to endure later in life, so I will remember gratitude for all that I have. For now though, I will continue to have hope in the future, and in the mean time I will do all that I can to make sure I'm learning and growing, that I'm stretching myself and giving all that I can to learn from this trial. I will place my trust in God, for only He truly knows what the future holds for us and our little family. That trust will squish out any room for doubt or concern. And as I look back at my life, I can see His hand in even the small things. I know He will continue to help me to grown and learn. It's not supposed to be easy. "We will prove them herewith" He says. So through trials we are proven worthy. The Future Belongs to God!
