The Small Things

Tonight I was holding Alex when Amelia came up and sat beside me holding her baby doll.  I said to her, "Amelia, you are being such a good mommy to your baby."  To which she replied, "I'm just a pretend mommy, but you are a real mommy, and you are a good mommy to us."  *sigh*  These kids of mine warm my heart.

Being back at work this last week has been difficult, but I've felt better knowing my children are in wonderful hands with our friend who is now watching them.  Maybe all of the frustration I was feeling will eventually lead to some productive end and I can be part-time next year.  It's looking like it could be an option if we can make it work?  Time will tell.  But whether I work full time, part-time, or not at all, I think my children know I love them.  I might have more energy to give to them if I'm not working as much, but the work I do is important too, so in the end I trust it will all work out and God will provide as He always has.  As we prepare for Thanksgiving this week, my heart is full of Thanksgiving for the small things that make life so precious.  I'm so grateful for Thanksgiving, the holiday my friend calls "a gateway holiday."  In her words, "A day to be grateful and be with friends and family. To celebrate how blessed we are. To usher in the Christmas season with thankful hearts. Thanksgiving centers us and helps us prepare to remember the birth of our Savior."  Her words were so great I thought I'd just quote her rather than try to summarize.  I think that's why little looked over Thanksgiving is my favorite.  It is a state of mind more than anything.  And it ushers in a season that should fill us with love and charity for others, and that starts with remembering gratitude for what we have.  So Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Today I'm grateful for the little things:)

Follow up

Okay, so for anyone who took the time to read my earlier post/rant, I want to take some time and do a little follow up.  I thought about erasing the entire previous post since I was so negative and so nasty in it, but then I thought about the purpose of this blog, which is to print and keep for my family and posterity, and I want them to know about not only the good times, but the hard and trying times as well.  I don't want to only paint a rosy picture of life for us, I want to be real and honest.  I want my children to know the trials we faced and the lessons we learned so that hopefully they can learn from us and not have to experience some of the same hardships we have, although I know hardships come to us all in some way, shape or form.  I've talked with my husband, I've talked with a few other mom friends, and I realize now that I'm less emotional about the whole thing, that we all face some sort of trial.  Some moms would love to work but can't or feel they shouldn't, some face health challenges.  I know all of this, and knowing this doesn't diminish or minimize the pain I feel when I think of leaving my precious Alex, but it does help me keep everything in perspective.  My wise mother-in-law pointed out to me that others may envy my position even, getting to have a nice job and having what the world would deem a relatively successful professional career ( I say relative because it's still not the best pay but it is perfectly respectable).  I also know the Lord has always answered our prayers, just not always in the way or the in the time frame we have hoped for, for whatever reason.  He knows that my righteous desire is to be at home more.  After having a few months off and getting a small taste of that it makes it hard to think about returning to life as a working mom.  It's been the hardest thing each and every time, and I anticipated the return would be just as hard this time.  It might even be a little harder.  I don't know if or when the Lord will provide a way for us so that I can eventually go to part-time, what I do know is the Lord knows my heart.  I remember praying at age twenty about going on a mission and actually hearing a resounding, "NO."  I can only think of one or two other times when I heard an actual voice and didn't just have a feeling or something more subtle as an answer to my prayers.  In fact, it was such a clear answer I never felt the need to ask again, and going on a mission was something I had always considered and kinda even wanted to do.  I have thought back to that many times and wondered why the Lord would have said no to my desire to serve a mission.  Now I know it was because I needed to continue with my schooling and obtain my master's degree so that I could provide for my family while Shaun finished his schooling and got started with his career.  I know that now and I do not doubt it.  The Lord was preparing me for the circumstances that were ahead.  It's ironic only because I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I judge myself more harshly than anyone around me for having to leave my children every day.  I know my children aren't scarred and they are perfectly happy.  It's just that vision of what I thought "SHOULD" have been, and accepting the actualities of life when they don't go according to little Miss Planner's way has turned out to be my hardest trial overall in life.  But I can see wisdom in the lessons the Lord has taught me through work, through not getting a home when I wanted, not getting to stay home when I wanted, not getting what I wanted period.  Perhaps I'm just spoiled and the Lord needs to constantly teach me humility.  All I know is that there is wisdom and purpose behind His ways, and I need to trust Him, and STOP comparing myself so much to others.  A lot of my earlier thoughts were out of anger, but many of them also feel valid to me still.  I do not apologize for those feelings, but I do apologize for blaming God instead of trusting Him.  Obviously my ways are not His ways, and my thoughts are not His thoughts.  I need to trust more and think less... story of my life.

Damned if you do and Damned if you don't!

Today in testimony meeting a new member to our ward with two children and one on the way next month (very similar in age to me with children roughly the same age) got up and bore her testimony about how she knew she needed to be at home now to fulfill her role as mother and nurturer as outlined in the proclamation on the family from the first presidency.  She talked about how all of these little miracles have occurred to allow her to now be a stay at home mom, and how her heart would have broken had she had to return to work.  I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and my face started getting hot.  Perhaps the more Christlike response would have been to be happy for her and the way everything had come together for her, but my immediate response in my head was, "Why does she get to have that blessing?  What am I doing wrong that I don't get to stay home with my little Alex?  My heart brakes too every time I have to go back to work, especially to a job that my heart is only half in, and not in at all after being gone for a couple of months."  I'm angry!  I'm frustrated!  Our current nanny just gave us her notice and this past week I've been trying to figure out what we will do but to be honest, I don't feel good about any of the solutions... take the kids to someone's home... have someone come here... I want to be the one to watch my own damn kids!!!  Why?  Why is this my trial?  Why did I have to get a master's degree and get a good job with great benefits and have to support my husband through school?  Why couldn't I have been like every other mom at church and gotten my bachelor's in time enough to get married and start having a bazillion children, quitting my little dinky job on campus because it made no sense to keep working when you're only making minimum wage.  No, I have to have this stupid degree that makes me very employable and I have to have a job that's just good enough to not give up.  It's not like I make six figures or anything great, but it's very decent, and going without it would be going without 2,000 dollars even after taxes, tithing, and daycare come out.  It's not like I'd be trying to make up an insignificant amount... and don't get me wrong.  I've done the math OVER and OVER, hoping that magically things will add up differently and we will be able to make it work, but even if I were to go to part-time it might not be enough.  Why does this new lady in my ward get the blessing that I want so greatly?  What's wrong with me?  Do I not have enough faith?  What did I do wrong?  Does the Lord even hear me pray?  Does he care about her kids more than mine?  Does he care about her more than me?  She must be better than me in some way, shape or form (not to mention she also talked about how she got called into the young women and I've been dying to get a new calling... I'm like a lame-o in this new ward with no friends and no desire to even be there quite honestly).

I'm mad.  I'm frustrated!  So am I not fulfilling my role as laid out in The Proclamation on the Family because I HAVE to work.  I'm sure a large percentage of ladies at church would say that's the case.  That's the other thing.  I feel so judged.  It's probably just my perception, but when I'm in this kind of mood it feels very real.  So here's another thought, I could just stop paying tithing.  If we didn't pay tithing I could certainly go down to part-time, thus I'd be able to be better at fulfilling my motherly obligations, but then I'd be in bad standing because I don't pay my tithing.  Part of me wants to say screw it all!  I've had it with this church thing.  I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I'm a bad mom because I don't stay home even though my heart aches to do this.  I want to be one of those dumbo moms that can't get a good job even if I try, then it would make sense to stay home.  But since that doesn't seem to be working out, I can just stop paying tithing, and then that will help, but then I'm damned that way too.  No wonder they say mormons are judgmental people.  They are in a way.  They have so many expectations and I just can't meet them all.  I can't be a size 2 (like this lady was who bore her testimony with the exception of her very tiny, very perfect baby bump), be beautiful (probably why she was called into YW and I wasn't), be a stay at home mom, bake all the time, pay my tithing, and do service all of the time!  I'd say of the above I have about zero of those attributes.  I can barely shower most days.  Today I didn't... didn't have time between getting all the kids ready for church.

I HATE THIS!  I HATE THIS!  And I feel like the Lord must hate me!  I know that's almost sacrilege to say, but ya' know, this is me laying it out there.  I ache every time I have to leave my babies and go back to work, and how dare she get up and say how blessed she is to get to do everything I can't but want to!  I have no desire to return to church at this moment.  I told Shaun I needed to go home and I'm home now thinking how am I ever going to go back.  How come I can't do what my heart wants, a righteous desire so I've been told, and then I get to be judged for it because I'm not "fulfilling my duty" as a mother as dictated by the proclamation.  Don't you think I've prayed to be able to stay home too?  I'm sure there are those who would read this and think, " but you could stay home if you were willing to cut back.  You could make it work if you didn't do this or that."  To those judgmental and rude individuals I want to say that we have looked at our budget and cut back where we can.  Short of selling our home and moving back into the basement we have done all that we can for living in this area.  Shaun packs his lunch every day, Ella does too.  We try not to eat out, I haven't been shopping on-line as much and would be willing not to do it at all, we have refinanced our car loan and made it as low as we can.  We don't have cable.  We have the basic internet.  We've downgraded our phone plans.  Trust me you that judge, I have looked over our budget and over it again.  Part-time would only be an option if Shaun were to start doing a lot of over-time, which he is eligible for starting this week and is planning to do.  Shaun and I have discussed this option for next year if at all possible, but it doesn't change the fact that in two short weeks I have to leave my baby and Amelia all day and go try to help other children who don't even know me.  I hate this!  I'm sorry if this is offensive or makes you hate me or look at me in a different light, since usually I try to be upbeat and grateful.  But these feelings are raw, and they are very real.  At least at this moment I feel like this lady at church just ripped a giant bandaid off a very large open wound on my heart.  I always want to cry when I think about returning to work, and this week after Lexie gave us her notice, I have been particularly sad thinking about any alternative to childcare other than me.  They are my children after all.  I want to care for them.  I wasn't even ready to let Lexie watch Alex and I know her well.  How am I supposed to find someone to watch my children that I trust?  Urggh!  And then to have miss tall, skinny, and beautiful get up and say she gets to stay home, and had she not she would have not been fulfilling her duty from God, makes me want to scream so loud and so long that everyone else can start to hurt as much as I do.  Sure, other people have far worse trials, but this is mine and it's very real and very hard.  So tell me to cry a river and I just might.  Today, this moment, I need to be angry and I need to feel sorry for myself.  I don't even know if the Lord hears me, or if He does maybe He's just laughing.  Or maybe I'm a bad mom anyway so why not let someone else watch them.  Why did she have to get up and rub it in my face?  I don't see her and I becoming friends anytime soon!  Like that matters.  That's all I would have to offer her and I feel like I need to say, "take that pretty new lady.  I won't be your friend and nanny nanny boo boo" and all other childish rants as if that will hurt her or even bother her.  She has her answer and feels at peace because the Lord loves her and her children more than me and mine.  And I know I sound like a child and I know half of what I've said is completely blown out of proportion but that is how I feel!!!

There, done.  Got that off my chest!  If one more person makes a comment about how they have been blessed to be a stay at home mom I think I might just have to shoot myself though, just FYI.  Stupid women!  I hate them all!

Visits with Friends and Hayrides in the Country

October has been a fun month.  We enjoyed visits with friends, including a quick lunch with my good friend, Becca, and her two adorable boys.  She came down from Phillie, and we were excited to catch up and let her get some snuggle time in with baby Alex!

We also enjoyed going to a church get together out at Hitts Farm, where they had hot dogs, hayrides, and live bluegrass music for everyone to enjoy.  The girls went on the hayride four times in a row they loved it so much.  The air was chilly and it was a beautiful fall day out in the country!  Oh how I love Autumn!!!

 Ella on the hayride... so excited!

Hiking White Oak Canyon

It has been a beautiful October!  With the leaves at their peak, we decided it was time to go out as a family and enjoy some of the beautiful sites around our area.  We decided to go to one of my favorite hiking spots in Shenandoah National Park, White Oak Canyon.  It's a great little hike that easy enough for young children (and mom's who have just given birth) to do.  We had a great time, and Alex was a trooper through the whole journey.  He snuggled up to Shaun in the carrier and slept the whole time.  Good times had by all!

Halloweek 2014: Trick or Treat x 3

Yes, that's not a typo in the title.  It's a purposeful play on words.  Halloweek, because Halloween has become a weeklong celebration of candy, costumes, parties, and carving pumpkins.  Back when I was a kid (oh geez I'm sounding old with that intro), trick or treating was just a one time thing, but these days it's a week long festival of treating and tricking (more treating though).  The girls went trick or treating not once, not twice, but THREE  TIMES this year!  

The first trick or treat adventure happened last weekend at the church Trunk or Treat.  Ella was very excited to be a black cat this year, while Amelia was very excited to be Elsa ( a very popular Halloween costume for little girls this year).  After getting her dress on she told me, "Mom, now I have magical ice powers, don't I?"  And THAT my friends, is why I love Halloween with young children.  It's so fun, though in general I don't love this holiday, it's grown on me with little kids because they get so excited about it.

This is how Alex trick or treated, in style in his car seat and stroller, swaddled tightly.  Someone gave him a Starburst, a nice gesture.

"Let it Go" says Elsa

 Alex, our little punkin'.  Big stretches in this photo after a long night of trick or treating...  clearly it's exhausting to be pushed around in a stroller all night.  Here he's nearly two months old, and sporting his very adorable pumpkin pajamas.

Trick or Treat adventure #2 happened at school.  Amelia decided to use Ella's black cat costume just to mix it up a bit.

Another festive part of Halloweek is the pumpkin carving.  Shaun and the girls took their pumpkins they got from the pumpkin patch earlier this month and they did these amazing carvings.  I was super impressed but I can take no credit for these artistic creations!  This is totally Shaun's thing.

And as if we needed more candy after two Trick or Treating adventures (not to mention both girls had a party at school), we had the actual Halloween night to look forward to still. Ella was back to being her feisty feline self while Amelia "let it go" with Queen Elsa again!

 This was Ella's first pose when I got the camera out, and then I made her make a "nice face," and we got the more somber photo below.  I have to admit I kinda love the feisty one!

 Baby Alex hung out with daddy to pass out candy.  He was passed out himself so it was a good fit.

 And our neighbor, Liam, joined us for our second annual trick or treating adventure in our neighborhood.  He was Steve from Minecraft, or so he tells me.  I've never played mine craft.

 Three cuties ready to go consume large amounts of candy!

 And the kids in front of their pumpkins

So there you have it, Halloween 2014 was a blast!  I love the photos below because they really say a lot about the personalities of my two misses... sigh.  Gotta love 'em!