Today in testimony meeting a new member to our ward with two children and one on the way next month (very similar in age to me with children roughly the same age) got up and bore her testimony about how she knew she needed to be at home now to fulfill her role as mother and nurturer as outlined in the proclamation on the family from the first presidency. She talked about how all of these little miracles have occurred to allow her to now be a stay at home mom, and how her heart would have broken had she had to return to work. I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes and my face started getting hot. Perhaps the more Christlike response would have been to be happy for her and the way everything had come together for her, but my immediate response in my head was, "Why does she get to have that blessing? What am I doing wrong that I don't get to stay home with my little Alex? My heart brakes too every time I have to go back to work, especially to a job that my heart is only half in, and not in at all after being gone for a couple of months." I'm angry! I'm frustrated! Our current nanny just gave us her notice and this past week I've been trying to figure out what we will do but to be honest, I don't feel good about any of the solutions... take the kids to someone's home... have someone come here... I want to be the one to watch my own damn kids!!! Why? Why is this my trial? Why did I have to get a master's degree and get a good job with great benefits and have to support my husband through school? Why couldn't I have been like every other mom at church and gotten my bachelor's in time enough to get married and start having a bazillion children, quitting my little dinky job on campus because it made no sense to keep working when you're only making minimum wage. No, I have to have this stupid degree that makes me very employable and I have to have a job that's just good enough to not give up. It's not like I make six figures or anything great, but it's very decent, and going without it would be going without 2,000 dollars even after taxes, tithing, and daycare come out. It's not like I'd be trying to make up an insignificant amount... and don't get me wrong. I've done the math OVER and OVER, hoping that magically things will add up differently and we will be able to make it work, but even if I were to go to part-time it might not be enough. Why does this new lady in my ward get the blessing that I want so greatly? What's wrong with me? Do I not have enough faith? What did I do wrong? Does the Lord even hear me pray? Does he care about her kids more than mine? Does he care about her more than me? She must be better than me in some way, shape or form (not to mention she also talked about how she got called into the young women and I've been dying to get a new calling... I'm like a lame-o in this new ward with no friends and no desire to even be there quite honestly).
I'm mad. I'm frustrated! So am I not fulfilling my role as laid out in The Proclamation on the Family because I HAVE to work. I'm sure a large percentage of ladies at church would say that's the case. That's the other thing. I feel so judged. It's probably just my perception, but when I'm in this kind of mood it feels very real. So here's another thought, I could just stop paying tithing. If we didn't pay tithing I could certainly go down to part-time, thus I'd be able to be better at fulfilling my motherly obligations, but then I'd be in bad standing because I don't pay my tithing. Part of me wants to say screw it all! I've had it with this church thing. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm a bad mom because I don't stay home even though my heart aches to do this. I want to be one of those dumbo moms that can't get a good job even if I try, then it would make sense to stay home. But since that doesn't seem to be working out, I can just stop paying tithing, and then that will help, but then I'm damned that way too. No wonder they say mormons are judgmental people. They are in a way. They have so many expectations and I just can't meet them all. I can't be a size 2 (like this lady was who bore her testimony with the exception of her very tiny, very perfect baby bump), be beautiful (probably why she was called into YW and I wasn't), be a stay at home mom, bake all the time, pay my tithing, and do service all of the time! I'd say of the above I have about zero of those attributes. I can barely shower most days. Today I didn't... didn't have time between getting all the kids ready for church.
I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! And I feel like the Lord must hate me! I know that's almost sacrilege to say, but ya' know, this is me laying it out there. I ache every time I have to leave my babies and go back to work, and how dare she get up and say how blessed she is to get to do everything I can't but want to! I have no desire to return to church at this moment. I told Shaun I needed to go home and I'm home now thinking how am I ever going to go back. How come I can't do what my heart wants, a righteous desire so I've been told, and then I get to be judged for it because I'm not "fulfilling my duty" as a mother as dictated by the proclamation. Don't you think I've prayed to be able to stay home too? I'm sure there are those who would read this and think, " but you could stay home if you were willing to cut back. You could make it work if you didn't do this or that." To those judgmental and rude individuals I want to say that we have looked at our budget and cut back where we can. Short of selling our home and moving back into the basement we have done all that we can for living in this area. Shaun packs his lunch every day, Ella does too. We try not to eat out, I haven't been shopping on-line as much and would be willing not to do it at all, we have refinanced our car loan and made it as low as we can. We don't have cable. We have the basic internet. We've downgraded our phone plans. Trust me you that judge, I have looked over our budget and over it again. Part-time would only be an option if Shaun were to start doing a lot of over-time, which he is eligible for starting this week and is planning to do. Shaun and I have discussed this option for next year if at all possible, but it doesn't change the fact that in two short weeks I have to leave my baby and Amelia all day and go try to help other children who don't even know me. I hate this! I'm sorry if this is offensive or makes you hate me or look at me in a different light, since usually I try to be upbeat and grateful. But these feelings are raw, and they are very real. At least at this moment I feel like this lady at church just ripped a giant bandaid off a very large open wound on my heart. I always want to cry when I think about returning to work, and this week after Lexie gave us her notice, I have been particularly sad thinking about any alternative to childcare other than me. They are my children after all. I want to care for them. I wasn't even ready to let Lexie watch Alex and I know her well. How am I supposed to find someone to watch my children that I trust? Urggh! And then to have miss tall, skinny, and beautiful get up and say she gets to stay home, and had she not she would have not been fulfilling her duty from God, makes me want to scream so loud and so long that everyone else can start to hurt as much as I do. Sure, other people have far worse trials, but this is mine and it's very real and very hard. So tell me to cry a river and I just might. Today, this moment, I need to be angry and I need to feel sorry for myself. I don't even know if the Lord hears me, or if He does maybe He's just laughing. Or maybe I'm a bad mom anyway so why not let someone else watch them. Why did she have to get up and rub it in my face? I don't see her and I becoming friends anytime soon! Like that matters. That's all I would have to offer her and I feel like I need to say, "take that pretty new lady. I won't be your friend and nanny nanny boo boo" and all other childish rants as if that will hurt her or even bother her. She has her answer and feels at peace because the Lord loves her and her children more than me and mine. And I know I sound like a child and I know half of what I've said is completely blown out of proportion but that is how I feel!!!
There, done. Got that off my chest! If one more person makes a comment about how they have been blessed to be a stay at home mom I think I might just have to shoot myself though, just FYI. Stupid women! I hate them all!
2 comments:
Oh Becca, I want to come and give you a great big hug and listen to you vent a little. If I could I would tell you that while our trials are not the same, I can relate on so many levels to what you just said. I have felt so many of those emotions time and time again (once again, for different reasons). I wish I could sit and commiserate with you for a while. I know you're hurting and I know things are tough, but I also know that the Lord loves you and He knows the desires of your heart. You are in no way being judged for helping to support your family, at least not by the one being that is the Eternal Judge. To all the others, one day they will understand. Just a half hour ago I was telling a my co-teacher for Finn's primary class that I needed to pray for love for the kids in our class, because I don't have it for a couple of the kids. There are kids who intentionally exclude my son from their activities, they single him out, and don't treat him the way I feel they should. And here I am having to try to exercise patience and love when they are snotty and clique-ish. Anyway, the point is that we can pray for love and patience and understanding. Heck, sometimes I even pray that other people will be hit by brick walls and realize how insensitive they are being. And I promise, it will happen. I was one of the most judgemental people I knew until I got hammered by a brick wall. It can happen, and man does it hurt and make you repent awfully quick. Anyway, Becca, this is a bunch of rambling but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And while my trials are not the same as yours I understand your hurt and I am so so sorry. Maybe one day we can drown our sorrows in a bowl of ice cream together? Although seeing as neither of us have the budget for a trip, it may have to be in the eternal scheme of things. Can you imagine the big ice cream sundae we could make in heaven with every topping we wanted and no calories??!!! Oh man, why does it have to be fast Sunday? I'm penciling our ice cream date in right now. :) Feel better. And until then, snuggle your baby boy and give yourself permission to feel whatever may come. Big hugs!
Oh, and I'm with you on the YW thing. I used to think the same things all of the time. Why is it that you have to be beautiful and popular to be called into YW's?? I guess the rest of us aren't good enough role models. And then I got called into YW's. The bishop even flat out told me that I wasn't on his list for consideration but that when he prayed about it he felt I was supposed to be there. Ummm....ok. I had always wanted to serve in YW's and I'm so grateful that I did get the chance despite the bishop's reservations about the whole thing. (Seriously, he shouldn't have told me what he did.) Any YW would be blessed to have you as their leader and I'm sure that one day you will get that chance.
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