Follow up

Okay, so for anyone who took the time to read my earlier post/rant, I want to take some time and do a little follow up.  I thought about erasing the entire previous post since I was so negative and so nasty in it, but then I thought about the purpose of this blog, which is to print and keep for my family and posterity, and I want them to know about not only the good times, but the hard and trying times as well.  I don't want to only paint a rosy picture of life for us, I want to be real and honest.  I want my children to know the trials we faced and the lessons we learned so that hopefully they can learn from us and not have to experience some of the same hardships we have, although I know hardships come to us all in some way, shape or form.  I've talked with my husband, I've talked with a few other mom friends, and I realize now that I'm less emotional about the whole thing, that we all face some sort of trial.  Some moms would love to work but can't or feel they shouldn't, some face health challenges.  I know all of this, and knowing this doesn't diminish or minimize the pain I feel when I think of leaving my precious Alex, but it does help me keep everything in perspective.  My wise mother-in-law pointed out to me that others may envy my position even, getting to have a nice job and having what the world would deem a relatively successful professional career ( I say relative because it's still not the best pay but it is perfectly respectable).  I also know the Lord has always answered our prayers, just not always in the way or the in the time frame we have hoped for, for whatever reason.  He knows that my righteous desire is to be at home more.  After having a few months off and getting a small taste of that it makes it hard to think about returning to life as a working mom.  It's been the hardest thing each and every time, and I anticipated the return would be just as hard this time.  It might even be a little harder.  I don't know if or when the Lord will provide a way for us so that I can eventually go to part-time, what I do know is the Lord knows my heart.  I remember praying at age twenty about going on a mission and actually hearing a resounding, "NO."  I can only think of one or two other times when I heard an actual voice and didn't just have a feeling or something more subtle as an answer to my prayers.  In fact, it was such a clear answer I never felt the need to ask again, and going on a mission was something I had always considered and kinda even wanted to do.  I have thought back to that many times and wondered why the Lord would have said no to my desire to serve a mission.  Now I know it was because I needed to continue with my schooling and obtain my master's degree so that I could provide for my family while Shaun finished his schooling and got started with his career.  I know that now and I do not doubt it.  The Lord was preparing me for the circumstances that were ahead.  It's ironic only because I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I judge myself more harshly than anyone around me for having to leave my children every day.  I know my children aren't scarred and they are perfectly happy.  It's just that vision of what I thought "SHOULD" have been, and accepting the actualities of life when they don't go according to little Miss Planner's way has turned out to be my hardest trial overall in life.  But I can see wisdom in the lessons the Lord has taught me through work, through not getting a home when I wanted, not getting to stay home when I wanted, not getting what I wanted period.  Perhaps I'm just spoiled and the Lord needs to constantly teach me humility.  All I know is that there is wisdom and purpose behind His ways, and I need to trust Him, and STOP comparing myself so much to others.  A lot of my earlier thoughts were out of anger, but many of them also feel valid to me still.  I do not apologize for those feelings, but I do apologize for blaming God instead of trusting Him.  Obviously my ways are not His ways, and my thoughts are not His thoughts.  I need to trust more and think less... story of my life.