First of all I want to thank each of you that left comments on my earlier post about feeling stuck. It's therapeutic to vent but it's even more therapeutic to know I'm not just sending my thoughts out into the void of cyberspace (I mean, I am, but not just that). I've actually got friends and family who read and care about what I have to say. That can be so empowering and means more than you'll know.
This weekend I had an epiphany which all of you at some point in time must have already had. I say this because each of you in your own way communicated this in your comments, and yet I was too dense to see it. I have been relying solely upon my own merits for some time now to endure working when I so badly want to be home. That hasn't been ideal but it's been doable since Shaun was at home with Ella and work is really pretty good. But within the last two weeks the situation has been exacerbated by having to take Ella to an actual daycare and then having crazy lady at work be... well... crazy, and that's when I broke down and wrote my last blog. At that point I was still trying to do this on my own. My strategies when I get upset usually include going to my happy places which include: 1. Target (whoever doesn't enjoy Target as a Happy Place is missing out)or 2. Planning some distant vacation with funding that will be in abundance at the time of the actual trip. Both of these strategies involve spending money or envisioning what money could do to make me happy. I'm not saying I don't like these strategies. There's a time and a place for both and they do get me excited. But what on earth happened to going to my Father in Heaven? You would think He should be number one on my list of places to go to feel relief and peace, or in other words, He should be my number one "Happy Place". In theory I know this but I have been falling on short when it comes to putting this into practice. Each of you reminded me that He will help me know His plan and purpose for this time and season of my life. And even if He doesn't reveal this right away He can give the peace and assurance of knowing I'm on the right track. If I'm not on the right track, He'll let me know that too.
The point is my Father in Heaven loves me, and if anyone knows what I'm going through it is Him. I have a deep and abiding testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that when the burden I carry becomes too heavy he is there to help carry the load if I would only allow him to help me. Stubborn me trying to do everything on my own. The Lord knows I love my family, and He knows I'm trying to do what's best for all of them. He will help me and maybe it wont be as I expected, but remembering He is there has made all the difference today. How quickly I forget. How prideful I become thinking I don't need his help. I've been humbled as I have reflected on how short I fall without his aid. He truly will make up the difference. He already has, I just have to accept his help. I'm so grateful for my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to be happy. I'm so grateful to all of you who helped me remember to turn to Him and He would direct my path for good. I'm filled with peace that He does have a plan for our little family and tonight I am grateful for that peace. I look forward to seeing His plan unfold, but I will also remember to find joy in the journey as I allow Him to walk by my side.
