"E" is for Elephant

Twas all Hallow's Eve, tricker treaters about,

When what did we spy, an elephant snout.

For one little girl was dressed all in grey,

and when you opened your door,

"treat" she would say.

Yes "E" is for Elephant this Halloween night,

and Ella Celeste was quite a cute sight,

She was the cutest little animal we ever did see.

Ella our elephant all filled with candy!

Stuck

What a week this has been! I am grateful for Shaun's new job. It's nice to see him in this role of provider. Anyone who's known me for more than ten seconds probably knows I would gladly relinquish this title of breadwinner to him in a milisecond. I am tired of providing. First of all, I've already done it for the past five years and second of all, I don't think I'm the best budgeter.
I've re-worked the budget every way imaginable to see if I could stay home and the numbers don't add up. It could be do to a lack of skill in budgeting but more likely it's related to the fact that Shaun is starting out making just a little more than half of what I make. If we want to save and buy a home my pay check will be required at least on a part time basis. I feel so completely stuck. It's not that I don't love and appreciate my job. I enjoy what I do and some days even feel like I'm making a difference . I enjoy the families I work with and all of my colleagues with the exception of one. This week has proven to be particularly difficult due to a communication problem with this individual. I have felt the need to defend myself as a professional which is absolutely ridiculous because I know I'm trustworthy and responsible. The sad truth is she dropped the ball and is trying to make me out as a scapegoat. It's been sucky all the way around but it reeks of work politics and power trips which I cannot stand. Do your job and do it well! Why does it have to be so complicated. Sheesh! Despite words of support from my supervisor and other colleagues it has still been an extremely difficult week, one in which I've been left questioning how good I am at any of this. Leaving my little girl a mess at daycare only to go and deal with a colleague who can best be described as a moron has been heartbreaking. Realizing we are far away from where I'd like us to be financially has been another reality check. Both of these situations have me feeling like a loser, and yet to fix one I must admit defeat with the other. I could stay home and we could go into debt up to our eye balls or I can stick things out with my moron of a colleague and continue with this career only to feel like a failure at home. Hence the feeling stuck! Shaun has an easier time seeing the bigger picture, but Shaun also doesn't lay awake at night worrying about how Ella will do the next day at the sitter's and he's not the one that has to arrange picking her up and dropping her off. All of this falls on me and it's extremely draining!

My goodness I'm a complainer. Here I've been begging for Shaun to find a job and now I'm upet about daycare. I want Shaun to know how proud of him I am and that I really am grateful he has this position. I know it has long term potential but for the here and now I don't know where it leaves me. I think it leaves me still working which is a bit disappointing. It would be different if I had always wanted to be a working mom but that was never my dream. And while I realize it's pretty good as far as jobs go, it's still a job. I think it would also be different if we didn't live in such an affluent area also. All of our friends here in this area are in a different place in life. They are five to ten years older than us and have lovely homes and the moms don't work. They've been wonderful as they've helped me out in a pinch to watch Ella. And yet there's no way for me to repay them. I feel indebted to everyone. I've been a working professional with a master's degree for five years so why on earth do I feel so behind?

This question lends itself to the only possible answer... I am a loser! That's how I'm feeling tonight. I feel stuck and frustrated. I feel undervalued at work, frustrated with having to leave my little girl in the hands of someone I barely know (though she seems very nice), and sad that I can't seem to get a hold of our budget. Does it ever get better? Should I just chill and relax a little or should I be making some serious changes? I'm at a loss.

Feeling Inspired

Today has been magnificent. Nothing hugely spectacular has happened today, but the sun has been out, the weather is holding in the low 70's, and the leaves are at their peak. Driving to Marshall today for work there were moments that I found myself in awe of the beautiful country roads with fall foliage all around. I was thinking that these scenes belong in a movie, not in every day life, and yet here I am getting to enjoy them in person- simple, ordinary me. It was a "drive with the windows down" kind of day. I enjoyed hanging out with my little girl, spending time with family, and even got quite a bit accomplished at work. It really is the simple moments that come to mean so much.

I need to start carrying my camera in my car again to catch up these breathtaking moments on film. There's something so incredible about sunlight hitting trees in just the right way, or light filtering through the trees and hitting a landscape just right. Today inspires the photographer in me. So for fun here are a few photos I shot last season. Since I've let my photography blog fall to the wayside at least I can post a few photos here.

Current Events

A quick update for friends and family regarding the Calderwood Chronicle's current events.

First, Shaun begins work tomorrow. He will be working for a commercial flooring company as one of their sales representatives in the Northern VA/MD area. The commute will be long but the job is a job, and potentially a very good job. We'll see how the next six months go and if things are going well we'll probably look into buying a home. The goal is still for me to go down to part time next July so we'll see how he's doing at meeting he's sales goals at that point. His position isn't the pay we were quite hoping for but with commission could potentially exceed our expectations... again time will tell. It's good in that it will certainly motivate Shaun to meet his numbers. He's excited and I'm excited for him.

Secondly, I've lost 15 pounds. I'm half way to my goal, but like I said from the start even if I just lose five more pounds I'll be content. I have just ten days left of the program so I think five more pounds is realistic. I can work on the remaining ten slow and steady. I fear the holidays may make this hard but if I can manage to eat nothing but chicken and grapefruit for a month I can handle the holidays!

Loving Autumn Part 2

What's not to love about Autumn? In Ella's case, absolutely nothing! Here she is enjoying a beautiful afternoon at the pumpkin patch and posing in front of some mums. She is such a joy!

Loving Autumn

Just saying the word autumn makes me happy as images of amber gold and red leaves come to mind, hayrides and apple harvest festivals, pumpkin patches, hot apple cider, and bonfires with friends. Five years ago we decided to add another beautiful memory to the season when we decided we would marry in October. Today is our fifth wedding anniversary and as cliche as it sounds I really can't believe it's been that long. In so many ways it still feels like just the other day that we gathered together with all of the people that are so important to us and celebrated. I still go back and relive that day every once in a while. The air was crisp but not cold, the leaves were just about to change and we brought in all the reds and golds for our wedding colors and they played against a beautiful backdrop of the great outdoors. We even had fresh cider at our wedding. Sometimes I wish we could do it all over again just for fun, not that I'd really change anything, and maybe that's why I want to relive it again. It was truly a lovely day!

Happy Anniversary hubby! Here's to another five times ten and more!

Isn't she Lovely?

Well it's about time that I update how absolutely amazing our Little Miss is. I'm home with her today while Shaun has his second interview (fingers crossed that it goes well). We've been having so much fun together today. It's a little taste of the life that I have hoped for- being with her while Shaun works. It feels so nice. We've played tackle, she helped me clean the windows that she also helped smudge, and she managed to poor windex on me, we ate lunch together, and now she's resting while I blog, shower, and shop for hair clips for her. I love it! I also took some photos of her new favorite place to eat. She no longer stays in her high chair unless she can climb up it, on it, and then once on it stand on the tray and stomp her feet. I think this means it's time for a booster chair. In the mean time, she now enjoys standing on a stool at our island and eating. She feels like a big kid I guess to be able to stand there and eat. Oh this child! She cracks me up. Enjoy some photos since it's been a while since I've posted some of her.

Here she is telling me the camera is hers or "mine" and very upset I wouldn't let her have it.

Ella and her stool

Ella enjoying lunch on her stool

She is saying tons of words and will repeat anything you say. She loves to be outside any second she can get, and she loves to laugh and "jump" on the bed. Her version of jumping is just falling flat on her face but she enjoys it nonetheless. She likes to climb wherever she can fit as evidenced by the photo below sitting on Nana's table. And there are a couple of other photos of her looking out the window at squirrels. She seems so reflective but really she's thinking, "those squirrels are MINE just like everything else on the earth."

As you can see there is no room for nana's vase (on the floor) when Ella is done with the furniture. She loves sitting on that little shelf.

She's extremely independent but also very loving. I enjoy her so much and I am so grateful that she is a part of our family! So to my little Miss... Isn't she lovely?

A Beautiful Mind

I am grateful for a semi decent brain, but I have to say lately that I wish I knew how to turn it off (or at least mute it). I have the hardest time sleeping at night as my mind races from the trivial matters of what I might wear the next day to more meaningful thoughts such as what I'll say in my next lesson in Church regarding the restoration. I can't keep up with my own train of thought most times. Already in the last three minutes my mind has raced from how I want to get that jog in, plan a dinner party when I can finally EAT again, and buy plane tickets. Also during that time I've killed four insects (a not so good perk of basement dwelling, especially in the fall), told Ella NOT to put a tampon in her mouth, and found her "helping" me fold laundry by putting our underwear around her head like a necklace... don't worry, it's clean. She looks lovely by the way. At night I find myself jealous of Shaun. Just minutes after our final cuddle for the night he's out. We don't do that cuddle thing all through the night... we're WAY past that. At least we still cuddle though. I hear the heavy breathing, the sweet sound of restful sleep. Except of course for those nights that he talks in his sleep and then it doesn't sound so restful but for the most part he's out like a baby... which why do they say that? Ella is the most restless sleeper sometimes. See, there I go again, my mind on to a new topic. Anyway, I lay there and listen to Shaun in a heavenly sleep even if he is dreaming about being a German Army commander due to too many computer games, and I can't turn my mind off. I tell myself it's the curse of being a woman. But what if it's just me? Do other women lay there at night thinking about the bills, the laundry, their future home??? The other night I was so restless that at 3am I finally gave up and got on line to start choosing paint swatches for my future home. I'm so pathetic (though I must say I really enjoy the color wizard on Sherwin Williams website... very helpful).

I'm not always this way, but maybe it's just because there's so much I'm anticipating. I have so many thoughts and so little control of the actual realities of life. I'm not normally the type of person to say that. I think we all have control over our decisions... but a lot of the decisions in my life right now center around Shaun finding employment, and I truly have very little control over that. Shaun had a first interview yesterday with a suburban flooring company and they seemed to really like him. He has a second interview Tuesday. This is a sales position that could prove to be lucrative though we're not sure yet what the base pay would be. But that's brought on a whole new stream of questions.... what about daycare? When can I stay home? Who will watch Ella Tuesday when he goes for his interview? Could I be getting my hopes up? Could this really be the answer to our prayers? Again I find myself jealous of the simplicity with which Shaun approaches the situation. He takes things a day at a time and there's something so wonderful about that. I love that about him and yet it drives me crazy at the same time. It makes me think I'm a worrier. I don't think of myself that way. I'm pretty go with the flow and laid back, but I do like to have a plan. I get excited as I think about our future. I feel very positive about it. I just want to have answers. But instead... I am left with my thoughts... and Barney songs. Barney songs are ALWAYS stuck in my head. I bought Ella a little video and she LOVES it. We watch it frequently and I find myself in the middle of meetings at work humming about Alphabet Soup. My mind is cluttered I think. Maybe it needs a Spring Cleaning? What do you all think? Am I just a mess? Or is this normal? Maybe both? Whichever is the case, I find writing to be a helpful outlet. I hope it's at least been entertaining.

PS: I'm at a total weight loss of eleven pounds. I totally broke down and cheated yesterday though. I came home from work and discovered oreos for what felt like the first time again in my life.... mmmm... refined sugars were calling my name. Anyway, that was bad and I know it. I'm back on track today.