What a week this has been! I am grateful for Shaun's new job. It's nice to see him in this role of provider. Anyone who's known me for more than ten seconds probably knows I would gladly relinquish this title of breadwinner to him in a milisecond. I am tired of providing. First of all, I've already done it for the past five years and second of all, I don't think I'm the best budgeter.
I've re-worked the budget every way imaginable to see if I could stay home and the numbers don't add up. It could be do to a lack of skill in budgeting but more likely it's related to the fact that Shaun is starting out making just a little more than half of what I make. If we want to save and buy a home my pay check will be required at least on a part time basis. I feel so completely stuck. It's not that I don't love and appreciate my job. I enjoy what I do and some days even feel like I'm making a difference . I enjoy the families I work with and all of my colleagues with the exception of one. This week has proven to be particularly difficult due to a communication problem with this individual. I have felt the need to defend myself as a professional which is absolutely ridiculous because I know I'm trustworthy and responsible. The sad truth is she dropped the ball and is trying to make me out as a scapegoat. It's been sucky all the way around but it reeks of work politics and power trips which I cannot stand. Do your job and do it well! Why does it have to be so complicated. Sheesh! Despite words of support from my supervisor and other colleagues it has still been an extremely difficult week, one in which I've been left questioning how good I am at any of this. Leaving my little girl a mess at daycare only to go and deal with a colleague who can best be described as a moron has been heartbreaking. Realizing we are far away from where I'd like us to be financially has been another reality check. Both of these situations have me feeling like a loser, and yet to fix one I must admit defeat with the other. I could stay home and we could go into debt up to our eye balls or I can stick things out with my moron of a colleague and continue with this career only to feel like a failure at home. Hence the feeling stuck! Shaun has an easier time seeing the bigger picture, but Shaun also doesn't lay awake at night worrying about how Ella will do the next day at the sitter's and he's not the one that has to arrange picking her up and dropping her off. All of this falls on me and it's extremely draining!
My goodness I'm a complainer. Here I've been begging for Shaun to find a job and now I'm upet about daycare. I want Shaun to know how proud of him I am and that I really am grateful he has this position. I know it has long term potential but for the here and now I don't know where it leaves me. I think it leaves me still working which is a bit disappointing. It would be different if I had always wanted to be a working mom but that was never my dream. And while I realize it's pretty good as far as jobs go, it's still a job. I think it would also be different if we didn't live in such an affluent area also. All of our friends here in this area are in a different place in life. They are five to ten years older than us and have lovely homes and the moms don't work. They've been wonderful as they've helped me out in a pinch to watch Ella. And yet there's no way for me to repay them. I feel indebted to everyone. I've been a working professional with a master's degree for five years so why on earth do I feel so behind?
This question lends itself to the only possible answer... I am a loser! That's how I'm feeling tonight. I feel stuck and frustrated. I feel undervalued at work, frustrated with having to leave my little girl in the hands of someone I barely know (though she seems very nice), and sad that I can't seem to get a hold of our budget. Does it ever get better? Should I just chill and relax a little or should I be making some serious changes? I'm at a loss.
4 comments:
Becca- Well first of all you are not a loser. Take it from someone who has wanted to be a stay at home Mom for 14 years. I think that the Lord has a plan for all of us and sometimes our trials are to teach us something bigger than what we can see. My only advise is to not focus on the financial part of it and instead focus on the direction the Lord wants you to go. If you trust his direction you will find happiness. Hang in there. Change will come soon. Oh and tell your colleague to stuff it.
I know how you feel Becca! It is so frustrating to live in this day and age where families almost always require a two income household to stay out of debt! Add your work issues, and it is a very frustrating situation. I just want you to know I admire you so much!!! You are so intelligent and such a caring Mom, and you do a job that is sooo difficult and emotionally draining, yet so important and makes such a big difference to those kids and families you help. I think it is so wonderful you are able to help support your famiy financially, while at times I feel so frustrated at my inability to do so! I want you to know I think you are doing a wonderful job with your sweet family, and the fact that you are always thinking of Ella and wanting to be with her shows what a wonderful Mom you are and Ella is a very blessed little girl! I love you guys so much, and am so grateful to have you for a friend. I know it seems so hard right now, but one day, hopefully not too long from now, we will be able to look back at these times and remember how close we grew as families and how much we learned about the Lord's plans for us. I know whatever you do, the Lord will bless you! Don't lose heart, and I agree with Stephanie- tell your colleague to stuff it!
Everyone, I mean everyone feels stuck at one point or another, and I think we as women feel that way so much more than the men in our lives. I think it is because men can compartmentalize while in our minds everything is all tangled and connected together. We are the worriers trying to make things fit into the budget and make 2 or 3 meals out of one cut of meat. And we are good at it, except for when we get overwhelmed and everything gets tangled into a giant sticky spider web. That's when girlfriends and husbands can be very handy to have around. There are many hardhsips and frustrations in life for all of us, you are certainly not alone in feeling this way. Some people want to be stay at home mom's, while others would just be happy to be a mom, some are struggling through as single parents trying to go to school, while others have everything they need - but a home to call their own. We are all in different boats, but headed in the same direction back to Heavenly Father. We need to love and support each other and trust in His plans for us, sometimes that's all we can do, especially when we feel stuck. It's also helpful to count our blessings when we feel like this. And it does surprise us what the Lord has done. He hasn't left you hanging, and He doesn't put those negative thoughts into your head. He knows the deepest desires of your heart, He just may have a different path you need to travel than the one you had planned on. As for work issues, I say do your best to work it out with the person nicely and if not, I'm with the other two ladies - telling her to stuff it always makes a person feel just a little better ;) You were a good friend to me when I needed to talk, and so I just wanted to let you know I am still around, lurking on your blog, listening, and still care about you :) Take heart, keep smiling, and keep the faith!
Working for fun and working when you have to are two very different things. The pressure to actually provide would be so stressful in my opinion. I only work one day a week...and that is just to get out of the house for a few hours... I have a coworker who always makes me feel like an idiot..so then I question what I am doing and if I am doing a good job. Even with reassurances from the general manager that he values me and that I do a great job, I still beat myself up sometimes because of this one person. Sometimes I think she is jealous of my situation because she has to work because she has a dead beat husband...then takes it out on me. You are so normal in being frustrated...it is hard to be around people that feel like "downers." I think you do a great job, and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest and that can be a huge help in itself. Love ya!
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