“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
Marjorie Hinckley
Oh Marjorie Hinckley, how you speak straight to my heart with your profundity! "Develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something." "Be content"... with what we have, with who we are, with the fact that we take things one day at a time and we are where we are. I really think sometimes we expect far more of ourselves than God does, or perhaps we expect more about the things that really just don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things.
Sometimes, even though I'm thirty-something, I feel like I experience just as much drama as high schoolers. I've been so very concerned about fitting in, wanting to be liked, to be a part of something. You see, before getting married, I was the social queen! I learned at a young age (let's say 10ish) what it felt like to not be included, so when I came into my own (late teens/early 20's) and had many friends, I tried so hard to always make sure to be inclusive. My #1 priority was making sure people who came to my parties or activities felt good being there, especially those who were new or seemed to be on the periphery. My husband said one of the first things he liked about me was how outgoing I was, how I looked out for others. So fast forward eight years later, and I feel like I've lost that person. I don't know where she is. I don't know when I lost her, but now I largely keep to myself. Sure, having children and living in my parent's basement doesn't necessarily help with this, but even I have to admit I'm far less social than before. I can't seem to figure out why, and I feel so incredibly guilty, like my husband wont love me anymore now that things have somehow changed. But I also have to admit that I feel a little more like I did when I was 10. I feel like "friends" are getting together and I'm regularly not involved. I feel like I'm on the B-list so to speak. It's really been bothering me over the past year, and lately I've been trying to squelch the pitty party I've been throwing for myself and try to throw a real party, with real people, and remember that it's more about what I'm giving to others than what I'm receiving from them. I tried to invite some friends out for lunch today, and sadly, it reminded me of my tenth birthday when only one person showed up. Today only two friends came, and even though everyone had a very legitimate reason for not coming (of about 10 invites), it still hurt. Silly and high school dramatized as it may be, I feel like it's a reflection of me as a person, that I'm not fun enough to be friends with (not to devalue the two who did come. That meant a lot).
Then comes Marjorie Hinckley to the rescue. First of all, get over myself, right? Absolutely. Second of all, stop trying to prove something. Who really cares? I'm a good mom, I'm a good social worker and professional, I'm trying to be a good wife and decent person in general. As long as I'm trying and striving, that's all that really matters. I've been focused in the wrong direction, thinking about what I don't have, what qualities I lack that some of these other ladies have that seem to be so "popular" for lack of a better term, and again, who cares? I'm me, and I like me. I'm perfectly flawed just like every other mortal, save our Savior. He loves me, and I need to stop judging myself by what I think everyone else is thinking (when truthfully they probably aren't thinking about me at all), and start judging myself by what He thinks. I will continue to focus on doing more for others, and thinking less of myself, and I will simplify. Clean out, declutter. My home, my mind, my relationships. I'm going to stop trying so hard to impress people who clearly don't care all that much, and start trying to be the best person I can be because that's who the Lord wants me to be.
Thanks Marjorie! I just love Sister Hinckley. She was a hoot, and so right on!
1 comment:
Oh my dear Rebecca... I simply love you. You write what so many feel if you must know. This is a journey that so many women face to one degree or another. I have felt that same way in my own life at times, and have worked over the years to do just what sister Hinckley said so well. For the record, you are amazing!!!! I don't know what you are measuring yourself up to because you put most people to shame. For what you juggle, what you accomplish, how giving and unselfish you are, how PATIENT):! And furthermore... if you lived by me you would be "hiding out" trying to avoid me because we all would be dragging you everywhere, all the time!!!!!!
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