Have you ever seen that movie "One Fine Day" with Michelle Pheifer and George Clooney? The one where two parents are constantly failing at meeting deadlines at work while simultaneously doing a rather rotten job of parenting too? I'm beginning to feel like my life is one perpetual remake of that movie day after day- minus the intermittent flirting with George Clooney which seems to make it all worth it in the movie. I knew this would be a difficult year as Shaun is finishing up his schooling, but some days I just don't feel like I'm up to the task. I feel rather mediocre in my work performance which is slightly difficult to accept, but what's really difficult is feeling like my baby girl would rather go to anyone else in the family but me. She loves her daddy because they're together everyday, and her nana and papa spoil her rotten so it's a given that she'll love them. But when I'm with her I feel so torn. I come home to a house that is in disarray, I'm exhausted, and Ella is usually just waking up from a nap and ready to play. So I think to Ella's dismay I try to multi-task and do all three (well the nap doesn't always happen but it sure would be nice). For some reason she doesn't think it's fun to watch me do the dishes, catch up on emails, or vacuum (actually the vacuum scares her so that's out).
I remember growing up and thinking about how great motherhood would be. I always pictured I'd have the luxury of staying home and I'd get to spend the day baking or doing some other great mom thing. I know that a lot of moms don't have that life and so I'll snap out of pity mode eventually but today I'm just wanting to let friends know it's hard. I guess I don't feel like I'm measuring up to what I expect of myself, and maybe it's just me, but I almost feel I can see it in Ella's eyes. Like I said, she'd rather be with anyone but me.
I'm frustrated with myself because I don't feel like I'm where I should be in life. I feel like I'm behind and will never catch up. Friends that I go to church with are just a few years older than me and they have two to four kids, stay at home, and own nice homes. What am I doing wrong? Why do I still live in my parents basement? Some days I have these feelings and it's very hard to overcome them. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and that truly you never really know what others are going through even if everything looks perfect, but some days it's just hard.
8 comments:
Bad day? I am so glad that you are normal! You are right where you need to be, it may not be where you want to be but it is where you need to be,otherwise you'd be somewhere else! Don't sweat it, Elle loves you best! Trust me.
You remind me of myself about a year and a half ago. I'm Kristin's sis if you were wondering who I am btw... I know its difficult but we all just have to stop trying to compare ourselves with others and worrying about what other people think. I finally got what I wanted - I get to be a stay at home mom - and I still struggle to get it all done - the housework seems even harder than before when I was working ft with Aaron in school. Hang in there. Ella loves you for sure. You are her mommy and you are irrereplaceable to her. Try to set aside some more just mommy/Ella time during the week-nights especially and make the hubby do some of the house work - or let it go.
Thanks Kristin and Sarah. You both are so wise. Some days it's hard to remember that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks and that you can just be who you are and where you are and it's alright. Thanks for the chat last night Kristin. You're the best!
you are so adorable. I do have to say that its a little nice to hear that you struggle with it too. I've always had a perception of you as perfect. So it makes me realize that other people struggle with it too, which makes me feel a little better about my own struggles :) (is that bad?) I see moms with 4 kids, and their houses are perfect, they and their kids look adorable, and they have time to cook, and decorate, and craft. I think, do they ever sleep?? Hang in there, know that you aren't the only one going through this!!
Every mom feels they don't measure up. Whether they work or now. I don't have any advice but I feel for you. You are doing a good job! The most important thing is that you love Ella.
WrayLynn
There are many days I'd rather be in your shoes...the days when I pay my house payment, the days when I send out my resume and kick myself for not finishing school...and many times I feel like all I do is take kids to school, clean the house, run the errands, and think "is this all that defines me anymore?" We all get frustrated. Just know that you are doing a great job and that Ella loves you.
Ah, the guilt of motherhood ... it gets me every day. I feel guilty for not playing more with my kids, but if I spend too much time playing, I feel guilty for not having cleaned/prepared a healthy meal/done anything to help my husband through his treacherous work/school/church schedule. I think it's one of Satan's greatest tools with mothers, whether they work in the home or out of the home.
Hang in there and know that you're not alone in your frustrations!
Well Rebecca, I don't even have kids and I think life is hard. I never would have been able to tell that you were having a hard time. To be honest you and Shaun to me look like the perfect couple and at times I am jealous of you two. As far as Ella goes, it doesn't matter how much Grandma and Grandpa spoil you or how much time you spend with dad, when times get rough or you just need a shoulder to cry on or comfort or a good laugh, it's always the momma that does the job best. Love you!
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