His Plan A, not mine

This has been quite a month for our family! We've enjoyed many of the activities fall brings, and really in many ways we are doing quite well. But I've found myself having an inner struggle, one that only God and I have known about (until now). I have found myself starting to wonder, for the first time in my life, if God really cares about me personally? Maybe I know the answer to this in my mind, but my heart has... well, my heart has started to doubt. With so many people on this vast earth, and numberless creations on other earths, does He really know me and care about me?

Now before you go lecturing me, let me give you a little background if you couldn't already guess where this is coming from. We CONTINUE to wait for Shaun's job to start, and after fifteen months of praying, fasting, attending the temple, and praying some more, we are still no closer to this end goal, a goal we have very little, if any, control over. And as of late I've amped up my efforts. I've really truly tried to do the things I know are right. I've been focusing on gratitude, scripture study, couples and individual prayer, for what feels like no results. So last week, for the first time in my life, I said no more. I'm not going to ask for something when it doesn't come. If I just don't ask then I wont be disappointed when I don't get heard. I know this is horrible, I feel horrible admitting it. But I need to share what I've learned.

This past weekend I was able to attend "Time Out for Women." This is a women's retreat that our church puts on all over the country at various locations. It's a time to literally take time out to remember who we are and grow stronger in our faith. Perfect timing for me, the one of little faith these days. I was truly humbled as I felt an overwhelming answer to my prayers, not my prayers for a job, but my prayers to know that the Lord does indeed care about me, tiny little me with my tiny little problems. One speaker in particular shared an experience he had on his mission when for different reasons than my own he began to have the same doubts I was having. He said for the first time he found himself asking, "Lord, do you exist? Do you love me? Do you hear my prayers?" Tears rolled down my face as he shared his story which so closely paralleled my own. He did not get an immediate answer, but after a great deal of hard work and sacrifice he was able to gain confirmation of these simple truths. YES, the Lord loves YOU. YES, the Lord hears your prayers. YES, he knows you personally and cares for you. His answers did not come immediately, but he learned that if they had come easy he would not have learned to work so hard. He learned to appreciate the value of seeking earnestly, and his faith grew as a result.

I have felt an overwhelming confidence that the Lord is answering my prayers, just not in the way I have expected. He wants us to be exactly where we are, and that's okay for the time being. We don't have all the things we long for- a home of our own, an opportunity for me to work less and be home more- but what we have is good. We have a beautiful home, beautiful and healthy children. We're both employed even if Shaun is underemployed for the time being. The Lord doesn't care what our bank account looks like, He cares that we are trying to be more like Him. I keep feeling like the Lord doesn't answer my prayers because He's not approving the plan I present to Him. I've presented plans A- Z to Him, only to be disappointed when they don't work out. What I realized for the first time in my life this weekend is that I am on plan A, it's just HIS plan A, not mine. If I know I'm living His plan, then I can rest assured that things will happen in HIS time, and when they happen on His time, then they are right. So for whatever reason, He wants us to wait. Perhaps He doesn't even want us to pursue the job we've been waiting for, but wants us to take another path entirely. I now pray that I will know His will, whatever that may be, and that I will then have the strength to follow it. Whether that means waiting patiently for job A to start, or starting a new path with something else, if it is the Lord's will it will be right. I will put my faith in Jesus Christ, not some outcome.

One speaker said the following which I found profound:

"We can hope for those good things in our life, but having faith, LIVING with faith, means wanting what Christ wants for you."

I don't know what His will is, but I will seek it through prayer, through hard work, through living my life in such a way that grants me access to his Holy Spirit. I've been humbled greatly. When I complained to my sister earlier in the week, she told me I needed to have more humility, that before I started complaining about my own problems I should think of the starving people in Africa. I thought to myself, "Really? You're going to play that card? The Africa card?" Well turns out she was right. One of the presenters at the conference was from war torn Africa, and she shared her experiences of losing her entire family, losing her sister, and almost losing her own life, but never losing her faith. She chose to let her experiences make her better, not bitter. And by golly, if she can do it over that dramatic of a life event, then I can do it too.

I'm grateful for this new perspective. I'm grateful that the Lord loves me enough to comfort me instead of ridicule me when I begin to faulter. I'm grateful for my Savior. Like him, I will try to say, "Thy will, not mine, be done."