Last night I laid in bed next to Shaun and I told him I'm not sure how I actually work AND do all the things a mom does. Not working the past week and a half I have been completely and 100% busy. There's always laundry to be done, floors to be vacuumed, groceries to buy, meals to make, lunches to pack, and of course, most importantly, children and a spouse that need my love and attention. I'm not sure how I go to work all day and do all of that. I suppose the answer is like it is for so many, probably most moms this day in age, you do what you have to do, but what falls to the wayside along the way? The work of a mom is so important. I told Shaun that November will bring a harsh reality with it when I have to return to work. It's not even that I don't like my job, because I do. I love my colleagues and the work I do is noble and important, serving children and their families with special challenges. I am not minimizing it's importance, but I also think that if I were to be able to stay at home these next five years, I wouldn't miss my day job at all. I'd be doing the noble and most important work of all, the work of a mother. O' how I wish this were an option. I don't see how we could go without my income? I certainly don't want to move back into a basement. Moving was so important for our family to be independent and to grow, and yet moving to a basement apartment might be the only option if I were to quit my job and take on something part-time (apartments really aren't that cheap either you know). I love our home. It has been a huge blessing in our life. Every day I'm grateful for it... for the neighbors, the beautiful finishes, the windows, the girls own bathroom. And it's ours! We moved in almost a year ago exactly and it's been a wonderful journey of making it our own that I take a lot of pride in. After all, if I weren't required to work, I'd eventually like to go back to school for interior design... that or get my Ph.D. in Neuropsychology. Anyway, I digress...
The point of this post today is to share with the void my internal mix of emotions regarding juggling work, life, and being a wife and mother. The irony will be that by the time this baby boy is ready for school I most likely will be able to stay home, or be part-time. I think I would do it too. Even when kids are in school they need your attention. Shaun has worked hard and his career is progressing, but if he were to take on the insurance for the family we'd be paying twice what we pay now, and he is now making just as much as me for the first time in our ten year marriage, but cutting our income by half is simply not an option. We've talked about me going and doing private practice work. I have my clinical license. I could work under someone a couple of nights per week but I'd have to research more what that would actually end up paying.
The truth of the matter is there is comfort and security in my current job. I know the expectations, and I know the schedule allows for flexibility with my family as well as wonderful holiday time and much of the summer off. I get scared thinking about the unknown of another job, and to be 100% honest with the void and myself, I'm tired of social work. It's exhausting! It's draining! At least at this point in my life, I want to give my mental, physical, and emotional energy to my own family, and many times my career leaves me feeling drained and under appreciated even more than being a mother does. Sometimes I think that's why I throw myself into decorating my home or dreaming of interior design. It's so polar opposite from sitting down with individuals who either cannot or will not help themselves. So if I feel that way about social work, then why would I want to explore part-time avenues in the same career field? Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about the past ten years (other than having to work period while having a family). I still remember the very literal answer to prayer I received in college to pursue social work. I was debating interior design or architecture vs. sociology or social work ( I know, so similar, right?). I was sitting in the middle of sacrament in the Clyde Building at BYU and trying to seek guidance about my future. If I decided to pursue Architecture, I would have to transfer to a different university after my sophomore year as BYU did not offer it as a major of study. I was torn and conflicted. I had taken a Sociology class and was fascinated with the study of people. A friend of mine had told me Social Work was just applied Sociology. You could graduate with real skills that applied to helping people. I was intrigued, but my love for design had been with me really since I could remember. Even when I was six or seven I was drawing floor plans and cutting out photos of homes from magazines my mom had. I would play house with friends and set up the homes in my mind with everything in just the right spot. I'm absolutely certain it's a love I had prior to coming to this earth. But I'm also absolutely certain I came with a love for others. So I found these two loves in competition with one another, and that's when, in the middle of the Clyde Building, I heard a voice. I heard a soft but firm voice tell me clearer than day, "Focus on building mansions in Heaven for others, not on earth." It was such a strong and clear answer I could not deny it. I was to pursue social work. I would have later confirmations that I was on the right path, like when I took my intro to social work class and learned of obtaining the LCSW. I knew then and there my career path was set. I had my goal and I was going to achieve it! And achieve it I did. I've been licensed now since 2006, and I am grateful to have that professional achievement. But again, does that mean I need to do this for a lifetime? I've frequently wondered if a career change would be in order, at least for a time and season. Who's to say I can't pursue both loves, maybe more, in my lifetime? But it's just not an option at this point. And bringing me full circle to my initial statement, I have a third love pulling me in a completely different direction from social work or decorating, and that is the love of being a mother. O' how I wish I could simply focus on just that for a time, but it seems it's not a card I can play. I haven't been dealt that hand. I know many moms have to work. I have come to terms with it many times over and look at all the good and wonderful things about my job, but again, like I said initially, having been home just over a week I do not miss it. I am completely busy and wrapped up in being a mom and wife, and truthfully I think that's where I need to be.
I suppose all this contemplation has no real point seeing as nothing can change. But what if it could? What if I could be part-time? The numbers just don't add up. I will take this to my Heavenly Father. It would take a miracle that only He could provide. And if such a miracle doesn't happen, then I count my blessings and move forward. But my heart is torn today thinking about it, and I needed to share these thoughts and feelings, even if absolutely no one reads this post. Thanks void for hearing me.
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