Mama Mumblings

Welcome to March, the month that comes out like a lamb, and in like a Lion. We've had a little of lion and lamb so far this month, but I'm definitely opting for Lamb like weather if March comes asking. The last few weeks have been quiet... no snow days, no major events, allowing us to fall nicely into our daily routines. That being said, this stage of life (you know, the youngish mom with the three little kids but not super little anymore) is proving to be quite a growing experience. I'm so very grateful that I only work M-W because I need the other two days to feel like I have any semblance of togetherness. I think the challenge that is giving me the most growing pains is raising a spirited but gifted eight year-old. I almost feel guilty writing some of the challenges we face, because I don't want anyone to think for one second that I don't love and admire this tenacious little spirit sent to us from Heaven above. But she has been lashing out a lot, so putting on my counselor hat I know she is struggling greatly, and she's taking it out on all of us. I just ask myself if I'm the one who has caused all of this inner angst she is displaying. School has been super hard for her. She's not completing work although she is more than capable. We had her tested and her scores were all very strong, but what came back very loud and clear were symptoms of anxiety and depression based one rating scales done by myself and her teacher. She has been recommended for an IEP due to symptoms of Attention and Anxiety so that will help I think. I guess she's what we call twice exceptional, and I know it's not uncommon for gifted students to also suffer from anxiety at a higher rate than their peers, especially females. We've started taking her to see a highly recommended counselor who concurs with the diagnosis of Anxiety. At home that anxiety is presenting itself as a lot of confrontation, yelling at us, stomping her feet, lashing out, refusal to do just about anything non-preferred. Let me tell you, I have met with many families going through a similar situation with their own children, and never have I felt more empathy. It's one thing to talk the talk, another thing entirely to walk the walk. All of the incentive charts and reward systems we try work with minimal success. Actually, I wonder if I'm just not suited for my work if I can't seem to manage these things within my own home. I also question my parenting abilities... A LOT! My heart aches that my daughter is anxious, and that at some level Shaun and I exacerbate these symptoms with our own behaviors. I know we yell sometimes, maybe even more than sometimes. And it is impacting our younger daughter too, who keeps telling me her tummy hurts and asks if all of us can please get along. I'm telling you this struggle is eating me up inside from every angle. Shaun and I are doing our best, but lately I feel like our best just isn't good enough, that our daughter is going to grow up hating us because we enforce rules like going to school, getting homework done, and wearing socks with our shoes. I'm a firm believer in positive parenting, and in theory I would like to say we parent that way all the time. No spanking, reinforce rules with love, let natural consequences be a part of every day discipline, you get further with rewards than punishment, though both are important... those are just a few of the key mantras that highlight my parenting thoughts. But in actuality I can't say that we don't yell at times, that I don't completely lose it and lay my children with guilt trips. But we keep trying. Shaun tends to be even more of a yeller than I am, but I give him props for really trying hard to try this positive parenting with me. Our counselor also reinforces these ideas, giving us articles to read and things to discuss while she works with Ella. I just hope it's not too little too late. Within the last couple of weeks we have taken away all technology. This is not a punishment but her counselor felt she couldn't calm down with all of the electronic stimulation. She was probably doing an hour/day of Minecraft plus some television and device time, so we've cut it all off with the exception of one television show/day that we can all watch together. I think this does help, and it's fun to see what she and her sister will come up with to do when there are no electronic distractions. They've built forts, colored in coloring books, and played together with their toys more lately than they have in a long time. So that's progress, and today Ella's teacher emailed me to tell me she earned "Giraffe of the week" (kinda like student of the week) for the first time this year because she's been doing very well this week getting her work done. These things are encouraging, but every time she yells, "I hate you" (this happens several times/day) I break a little inside. I just want her to know how precious she is, and I remind myself that she was Heavenly Father's child before she was ever mine, so I pray every day that I can be the parent for her and all of my children that He would have me be. This is one of those trials that I need strength beyond my own to handle. I hope and pray as she gets older some of these things will get better with maturity and some of the coping strategies she is learning with her counselor (i.e. deep breathing, brain gym activities), but reality tells me a different story. Everyone I know with adolescents says it just gets harder, so I better brace myself for the long road ahead. And I have to admit when I think about this being ongoing indefinitely I feel a little deflated and mostly exhausted. Plus how do I give my other two beautiful children the time and attention they deserve, especially Amelia because she truly is the middle child. Alex gets a lot of attention from me because he is the baby (and the lifeline of my life many times... oooh how I love that little boy), but my sweet Amelia is often the one that feels caught in the middle trying to help her older sister listen but also not wanting to disappoint her father or I because she sees that happen with Ella so often. So one child feels like they are never good, and the other feels like she can never be "bad". We are trying to do individual time with both girls, and I tell Amelia how much I appreciate her, but I need to tell her more often that it's okay for her to make mistakes and get upset too. I know how she feels because I have some of those traits as well, the peacemaker who tries to take care of everyone else but may not take care of herself. So because I'm a counselor and I do this all day long it almost makes it worse. I over analyze (I bet you couldn't tell from this long post though, eh?) and I may have a tinge of my own anxiety. I would say it's not to a clinical disorder level, but anxiety definitely runs in my family. In that sense Shaun is very good for me because he helps me to just take breaks and enjoy some down time. But getting it out there has always been therapeutic for me, so that was the purpose in today's post. I just need to put it in writing that this struggle is breaking my heart and I see it being so hard on my beautiful Elle and the rest of the family. And as always, we keep on keepin' on, and we give it over to the Lord. I just hope Ella knows how much she is loved. If she reads this post one day I want her to know I'm trying, and I know I fall short, but I love you and your siblings with all my heart. Being your mother means everything to me.