Some Days...

 

Look at these two? These stinker angels who confiscated my phone and took the above selfie. I have beatiful moments with these girls. "Aha" moments where they've learned something for the first time, or they make connections with certain concepts. Or best of all, they feel the spirit and we point out what that feeling is and we embrace the peace and comfort speaking to our hearts. But then, some days... Days like today, I wonder how on earth I've failed as a parent. When it's raining for the 20th day in a row, and your husband is stressed because he's starting a new job, and the baby only takes a 20 minute nap, and anything that can possibly go wrong does just that.  These are the days I wonder about what my life would be like in a parallel universe. I think I'd be single and I'd definitely be in shape because of all the time I wouldn't be spending feeding my children nutritious meals like macaroni and cheese for the third time in one week. I'd be an interior designer and I'd live in the city. I'd dress well and have fabulous shoes. I'd have an amazing social life (obviously), and I'd travel frequently. *sigh* Some days I think I need a re-write. I wonder if this truly is the "plan of happiness" because happy is not an adjective I'd use to describe what feels like an endless life of servitude with very little gratitude or appreciation. Seriously some days I feel my faith waiver and doubt creeps in. I wonder what is all of this for? The three hours of church where you spend the first hour in the hall with your baby, the second hour helping in the nursery, and the third hour teaching the youth who all have their doubts.  Then you come home and there's so much arguing the spirit is long gone and it's all I can do to not want to pull all of my hair out. Some days I long for peace and solitude found in nature and away from the chaos of my home where the messes are endless and the frustration levels are mounting. So tonight I just left. I left Shaun with the kids and I got in the car and drove. I drove down one of my favorite roads and tried to bring my soul back to nature, back to God. I parked at an amazingly beautiful vista where Virginia's rolling hills and shades of blues and greens met a gray sky. I sat marveling at the beauty of God's creations and pondered.

I thought about all of the things that are on my plate, and the sheer fatigue at the thought of trying to accomplish them, and the likely frustration and disappointment that would ensue. But as I turned my thoughts to God and his power and grace, the thought that entered my mind was that I didn't have to solve all of the struggles in that moment, I just had to put one foot forward and stay on the path. Sometimes enduring well simply means that you don't throw in the towel. That when you're ready to go live your life in your parallel universe that you say "heck to the no" and you drive back home and hug your babies and stay the course, the very bumpy and not so easy course. Some days... you just have to take life one step at a time. Then moments will come where you can look back and see the beautiful view and where you have been and why you had to be there. Those beautiful moments give clarity and bring perspective. Much like the beautiful vista I was looking at today, they help you realize the drive was worth it. But a lot of the times our route is cloaked in fog and darkness. It's hard to figure out why the road turns sharply, or we're tasked with the steep hills, but in those moments we take one step at a time until in God's own time and in His own way He shows us what all of it was for. Today was hard, but I didn't give up. I went home and I hugged my babies. We had a good talk about showing respect and listening, about bringing the spirit of peace and love into our home by making good choices. And tomorrow we will start all over again. And so it goes, day in and day out. I wrote earlier about "becoming" the best possible me, and some days that means just taking steps into the darkness in faith. Some days are just like that, and that's okay.