Virginia Beach or BUST!

Before Shaun started his new job Monday, we thought it would be nice to take a little break from the reality we call life, and head to the beach for the weekend.  Growing up, my family went to the beach every summer for a full week, so I feel like the beach is in my soul, and not making it there for some part of the summer just doesn't feel right.  So it was a quick three day trip, but it was wonderful!

The girls had a great time.  Ella was a champ on the boogie board and Shaun taught her how to ride waves into the shore.  Amelia preferred the pool more, but she and her daddy built a sand castle and every once in a while she'd venture into the ocean, clinging strongly to her daddy.  And me, well... I just enjoyed what a seven month preggo woman should.  I sat and I read, looking up from my amazing Dan Brown book to see the girls in the ocean with their daddy, or let them cover my feet with sand.  Really, it was quite perfect!  It may not have been as relaxing for Shaun, but he loved the break from work and the time to de-stress and be together as a family.

 Our first day at the beach, the girls were ready to get out on the ocean.  We had a really great view of the ocean from our room, and the boardwalk always offers plenty of entertainment for two busy girls.

 I sported my new fantastic hat. 

 Amelia continues to amaze me with her cuteness!  She can wear anything and be as cute as a bug in a rug, but the thing she seems to always wear is that classic smile with attached dimple.  I could just eat her up.

 Speaking of cuteness, this guy claims she gets it from him.  He is pretty cute, and he sometimes even got to sit beside me and talk with me before the girls dragged him off into the ocean.  

 More cuteness

 And Ella, well she amazed me this weekend!  She took on the ocean like it was nothing.  She and her boogie board were one with the waves, and she could have stayed out there all day every day if her little sister had let her.

 Even after getting ready for dinner and going for a walk on the boardwalk, the waves enticed her back.  She was soaking wet by the time we left the beach to head back to our room, but she was happy.  Look at that smile.

 Day 2 at the beach proved to be no different.  We bought the girls some sand toys and Amelia enjoyed using those.  Ella made friends with the children around us, and I loved watching her be so grown up and so helpful with others.  She can be the most loving and gentle kid sometimes, only to then be a fireball the next second.  Gotta love her.

We only had two days at the beach, and Amelia ended up getting swimmer's ear, cutting our third day there a little shorter than we had initially planned, but that probably wasn't bad since we needed to head home for Shaun to start his new job Monday morning.  We said goodbye to the beach, that beautiful, soul renewing place, where the air seems to get into your soul and help you breathe a little easier.  One day, I need a beach house!

So goodbye beach, till next year!

Blessed

June is typically a time of of celebrations.  Graduations for many, new beginnings, transitions onto newer and better things.  Maybe it's all of these commemorations and celebrations that have me thinking and reflecting, or perhaps that's just me all of the time, but I've been thinking a lot about where we've been and how far we've come over our last ten years together as a married couple... well, almost ten years.  Shaun was in school the first five years of our marriage while I worked and furthered my career, obtaining my clinical licensure, and provided for our growing family.  I remember thinking when Shaun graduated in August of 2009 that we were going to be set!  He would get that fancy shmancy career that all Business Marketing Majors got (ha ha ha... I laugh about that now), and I would be able to stay at home and raise many more babies.  Oh how foolish and naive I was.  It was humbling and often times depressing to struggle and fumble through the next three years of underemployment, unemployment, and listless wonderings of what Shaun should do, where we should go, and feeling like we hit a void when we searched for answers through prayer.  We did what made sense.  We stuck it out in the basement because I have a good job, and it didn't make any sense to move across the country and leave that job, only to face the unknown.  Shaun was anxious to seek out a government job, and it then took three to four times as long as we expected for the necessary paperwork to be processed.  Two years ago he finally started with his current company. Again, I thought it would be a quick and smooth process, that within a year he'd be making bank.  Why do I keep doing that to myself?  Setting myself up for disappointment?  He has struggled with this current job feeling underutilized, getting up most days at 4am and not making it home until close to 7pm.  It has definitely not been easy for either of us.  Because his long hours mean I still work, take care of the kids, and basically do everything else.

Okay, so there's a brief and rather depressing summary of our last ten years together, at least when it comes to our professional and financial lives, so why on earth would I title this post "Blessed"?  Because I have come to realize that it's sometimes in the waiting that all the growing occurs.  We have learned patience, humility, gratitude for blessings that perhaps aren't as obvious to those who aren't looking for them, and to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives.  We have learned to do our best, and then rely on the Lord to fill in the gaps.  We have learned to let Him lead us, to let HIM be at the helm of the ship of our lives.  Sometimes that means waiting, sometimes that means acting, always it means recognizing His love and His blessings.

In two weeks Shaun will be starting with a new company.  His pay will go up only slightly, but he will be on salary, and he will earn in 40 hours what he's currently been working 60 to get (and that's meant a lot of Saturdays gone from us).  And best of all, this company has offices here in town, so his four hours of commuting will be reduced to about a half hour, round trip.  Shaun and I didn't even have to pray to know if this was the right opportunity.  It just felt right, and made wonderful sense.  I know the Lord is blessing us and helping us as we prepare to welcome our third little one into this world.  Since much of the time I feel like a single parent, I was very concerned about how we were going to manage all the demands that come with a  newborn.  But with this new job, we'll have Shaun around a lot more to help, and that will make such a huge difference.  The quality of life, not to mention the savings in gas, will be a huge blessing.  So all this week I've found myself taking a moment here or there to say a prayer of gratitude.  I know this doesn't mean the end to trials or that he will miraculously be making double by next year, but it is progress, and very good progress at that.  So I wanted to take time today to post about our journey, and to express the blessings that I see and recognize in our life.  Will I be able to stay home?  No.  Will we be okay?  Absolutely!  The Lord loves us.  It is my strong testimony He is aware of us.  He knows our needs.  To our weakness, He is not a stranger.  I'm grateful to see his hand of love and mercy extended towards us as we try to live our lives the best we can.  We are truly BLESSED!

Getting Over the Guilt

I've been feeling the need to pour out my soul lately.  The problem always lies in where to start.  Well, today let's start with Getting Over the Guilt.  Guilt over what you ask?  Well, for starters, that I'm not everything I think I need to be, everything everyone else thinks I should be, everything to everyone.  It's wonderful living in a world where with the click of a mouse you're instantly connected to so many people, but it also has it's drawbacks.  Within ten minutes I can find out the highlights of everyone else's lives... They just ran 8.2 miles for the fourth time this week, they just jogged a half-marathon, they just made an amazing craft with their kids, they just went on an amazing vacation to Italy.  Of course I'm not privy to their struggles, their pains, their hardships.  I just see that life is looking pretty amazing for them.  And these are just a few of the thoughts that come to my head as I read through their headlines, "Where the HELL do you find time to run 8.2 miles as a young working mom?" ; "I wish I could run a half-marathon, but I can hardly walk to the bus stop without being tired these days... loser" ; "I am definitely not that crafty." and "Wow!  I wish I could travel... one day... maybe... loser."

I beat myself up because I'm not keeping up with everyone else.  I put these ridiculous expectations on myself and forget to have the little reality check that I so desperately need.
1.  I'm 6 months pregnant.  I'm not going to be running a half-marathon yet.  But give me a year and see what I can do.
2.  I have a lot to be grateful for, even if I'm not traveling to Europe.  Times and Seasons.
3.  I am a wonderful mom.  I may not be super crafty, but I read with my girls, I play with them, I cuddle with them.  And sometimes I let them just do their thing because I cannot always do it all.

I read a pretty great article this morning written by a mommy blogger entitled, "How I Don't Do it All" Source here:  http://www.thefarmerswifetellsall.com/2014/05/06/how-i-dont-do-it-all/.  This little post resonated with my soul.  She simply states that she doesn't do it all, and that she doesn't need to.  She makes her priorities, she outsources when needed, and she doesn't need to be everybody's everything all the time.  I don't have a superwoman complex.  I can be okay just being me.  I need to tell that little voice in my head that's beating myself up for not being skinny enough (even though I'm pregnant that voice is still there yelling rude things loud and clear), that I need to somehow measure up to all of these other individual's highlights, that voice needs to take a big time out.  Yes, I have to have goals for after this baby comes, and in the mean time I can be healthy, but I also need to be kind to myself.  And just watch next year when I rock a half-marathon like no one else's business.  That's my goal for my 36th birthday!  Bring it on!  But in the mean time, that voice needs to be silenced.  The trouble is... I'm the only one who can silence it.  That is a very difficult thing.

In a recent discussion with some fellow moms, one person commented that one of the names used for the adversary is "the accuser," and she noted that whenever we are beating ourselves up, we might want to think about where the source of that is coming from.  One of Satan's greatest tools that he uses on women I think is to make us beat ourselves up for not being enough, to compare ourselves to others, and to keep us so busy that we forget to prioritize what's really important.  I think he very effectively uses these strategies with me, and I need to remember the Savior's promise to make weak things strong.  If we feel inspired, or we sense a weakness but desire to better ourselves and feel motivated... these feelings come from our Heavenly Father.  I need to consider the source of my feelings most days, and if the author of those feelings is the adversary then I need to allow my Savior's grace to fill in the gaps that only He can fill.  I will not ever be able to do it all, but I have Him to make what I do into enough.  It's a daily struggle.  I will naturally want to compare myself to others and will be inclined to be hard on myself, but I need to work to remember that what I do is good, and with the help of my Father in Heaven it can be enough.

Let's Play Catch Up, Shall We?

Okay, so it's Mother's Day, and I'm finally sitting down to play catch up over the last there months.  Let's not judge though, instead, let's think of it as a trip down memory lane.  We like to do that on Special Holidays anyway, right?  I'll just keep telling myself that.

1.  First, we can't miss that we celebrated Ella's 6th birthday in February.  She was thrilled to invite two special friends to Chuck E Cheese this year, and celebrate at home with Nana and Papa.  

2.  March was spent doing not all that much that I can remember.  The snow continued throughout the month, we watched more Frozen than anyone would care to remember, and we made the best of the never ending winter.

 See, watching Frozen.  Just like most households with little kids I'm sure.

 We built snowmen with friends

 And sometimes we actually got out and got ourselves put together.

3.  In April it FINALLY started to warm up, and we were excited to get some Vitamin D by going outside and playing with our friends and neighbors.  We got back to riding bikes, playing in the toy jeep, and going for walks to the park.  Oh thank Heaven Spring finally arrived!

4.  Spring brought with it the celebration of Easter!  We had a wonderful Easter service at church and Shaun sang in the choir.  Then we went to nana and papa's for an Easter dinner and egg hunt with the girls.  Easter also brought with it Spring Break, and we welcomed a chance to relax at home, have special visits from friends like the Bonnaci's, and go to the temple.

5.  And last, but certainly not the least, we found out we will be welcoming a baby BOY into our family next September!  We are so very excited to have a little boy, and the girls are already looking forward to being big sisters.  He's got a pretty cute profile I think!  We can't wait to meet our little man.

The Winter that NEVER ends

Well, I admit that posting during these long winter months seems to always be difficult for me.  In going back and reviewing old posts from years past it appears the trends remain much the same.  Gloomy, tired, blah winter... dreams of traveling (specifically to some warm and tropical place via a cruise or an all inclusive resort destination).  This winter has been no different... well, except for the multiple snow days... I think we are at sixteen days of school missed thus far, with today being number sixteen and hopefully the last day.  It's St. Patrick's Day for cryin' out loud!  Mother Nature is NOT getting the memo.  Oh' and this winter has also been a little different because this year I'm pregnant.  Yep, haven't even found the time to post that little announcement on the blog yet.  That's how blah I've felt.

Truly, what do I have to complain about though?  More snow days has given more more time to rest, be home with my girls, spend less in daycare costs, but it might also induce a slight case of Seasonal Affective Disorder... it's a real disorder folks, you can look it up.  Basically, I've been going through winter with a low grade Depression, and I'm not even kidding when I tell Shaun he really has to take me somewhere nice next winter to help me get through these doldrums.  It's always nice to have something to look forward to.  And baby #3, am I looking forward to that?  Some days I'm really excited... other days I think we are crazy.  We are in a sweet spot.  No diaper bags, everyone is potty trained, in school, can get up in the mornings and grab a poptart, offering more precious sleep time for me and my hubby.  But then I remind myself that we felt incomplete as a family, that all along we've known our family wasn't done.  But this time it took six months to get pregnant, not long enough that I was worried, but long enough that I started to question that maybe we were done because it just wasn't "meant to be."  And then it happened, and now I've got to re-think it all over again.  My problem is obviously that I just think too much, right?  My husband is so go with the flow and here I am planning out the rest of our lives with just two children.  But in my defense, 1.  I'm a planner.  and 2. He's usually gone from 4am to 6pm, leaving the bulk of all household and childcare responsibilities to me (on top of my job too).  So he gets a new baby, and I get a whole new routine.  That's probably not fair to say, but admittedly part of me feels that way.  I love my husband though and he's working hard so that he can progress in his career and hopefully before this little bambino comes he can find an even better job making more which would allow for some flexibility on my end of things... maybe I could go to part time.  I dream this dream every pregnancy, and it may only be just a dream, but I can't help but hope.  Leaving my babies is sooo hard.

Truly we are excited.  Baby #3 (this is the nickname for now I suppose) is due September 3rd, just after Amelia turns four.  I've been so extremely tired with this pregnancy, and just queasy, but all in all I can't really complain.  Some people get violently sick and I've never had that with any of my pregnancies.  We find out next month whether this little pea pod is going to be a girl or an "Earl" as we lovingly coined the term when we found out about our first pregnancy.  I am not one of those that just knows what she's having.  Some women are that way.  But I did have a dream of a little boy, so whether that's intuition or just what I want I can't say...  Of course knowing this is very likely our last child, we are hopeful that it's a boy, but we shall see!  If it's a girl we're set as far as clothing and baby items go so there's a positive to that too.

Well this post has turned into quite a rambling of thoughts, so for now I suppose I shall sign off.  I have more catching up to do.  We celebrated Ella's sixth birthday at Chuck E Cheese and I'll have to share more about her special day, Shaun got a new car on his birthday (long story attached with that), and other events.  So hopefully it doesn't take me another two months to get to those posts, but seeing as Spring is literally just around the corner, I imagine that will inspire more writing.  It usually does at least.

Friends

Today is a beautiful Spring like day.  It reached over 65 degrees, and after a very long winter, I'm feeling hopeful.  Sorry for the lack of blog posts.  It's been a long, cold winter.  But today I'm excited to report I feel renewed.  We met up with a couple of friends for lunch, and I was so uplifted by spending time with these sweet girls.  When I get together with friends, I remember I'm more than just a very tired mom who falls asleep putting her children to bed at 7:30 (true story,  most nights this is actually what happens).  I remember that I'm fun sometimes, that I love to travel, explore, laugh, and blast the radio when the windows are down.  It's a part of myself that sometimes gets buried by the drab and dull routine of every day life... dishes, cooking, laundry, working, and feeling an endless need to nap.  I sometimes wonder if all young-ish moms feel like me (maybe moms in their early twenties don't count), or if something is seriously wrong with me.  I know I'm anemic and that brings on fatigue, but seriously!  I don't think I'm depressed, although maybe just a little with the winter doldrums.  They usually hit around mid-January and don't go away until about mid-March, but beyond that I think I'm okay.  Anyway, the point of this post is NOT to dwell on those things that have made January and February so very long... but to look forward, to have hope.  Today my friends and I planned a trip to New York City for my 35th birthday to see Newsies on Broadway.  I think having something to look forward to can make all the difference.  And maybe it's not a warm tropical beach, but I'm not much in the mood to be sporting a swimsuit anyway.  I love my friends.  They are the chocolate chips in my cookie.  Without them I am rather bland, but they remind me of the best me that I can be, and I love that!  

So thank you sweet friends.  You inspire me, uplift me, and give me much to look forward to (no offense to my husband on this one... I love him, but girlfriends have a special way of helping when no one else can).  Here's to the chocolate chips in my life!  I love you all:)

The Future Belongs to God

I haven't been the best blogger lately, and I especially haven't been so good about turning to blogging to search my heart and process all that is going on in my life, and from time to time, I really like to do that.  First of all, I want to express how extremely grateful I am for the blessings in my life.  I love my beautiful girls and am constantly learning from them and amazed at how they are growing and learning.  I'm grateful that they are healthy and strong, that they ask good questions and that they enjoy playing with each other.  I'm also very grateful for my husband.  He's a good man.  He goes to work every day at unseemly hours and works 10 hour shifts after sitting in traffic.  He is working to advance himself in his career, and I am very proud of how far he's come.  And this year I'm ESPECIALLY grateful for our new home.  For so many years we lived in the basement hoping we could have a place of our own, and I couldn't be happier with our home and how it's turned out.  It's absolutely lovely!  Perfect!

Beyond that we continued to be blessed by wonderful and supportive parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and friends.  We have our health.  Truly, I acknowledge up front that we are blessed.  And I hate to throw in a "but", but here it comes...  I do worry about our finances.  I think I thought that since all the doors opened in just the right way that we knew we were supposed to get into our home, that meant the Lord would bless us financially with a better job for Shaun right away.  I'm so silly.  I keep thinking it will be easy.  But life is not supposed to be easy.  I have no regrets.  I know this is where we are supposed to be, and I knew it would be tight for us with our mortgage essentially tripling what we had been paying before in rent.  I remember listening to Elder Bednar's talk from this last conference about "The Windows of Heaven," and he talked about this very subject.  He said that sometimes the Lord doesn't answer our prayers the way we would hope.  We may want the big promotion, but he blesses us with the ability to live within our means instead.  I have contemplated that talk and thought long and hard about what we could do to show the Lord we are doing all we can to live within our means.  We have both cut out our gym memberships, we cut off cable, and we are trying to eat out less.  I've stopped (virtually... almost stopped) buying things on line.  We have started to make sacrifices so that we can make things work.  Sunday we discussed trusting in the Lord.  I think it's hard for me to trust the Lord when so often I feel like he is a silent partner in my life.  Is he really hearing me?

I've been guilty of thinking if I do all the right things, he obviously should bless me for doing everything right, right?  Sometimes not so much.  Why?  Well, I suppose because sometimes the lesson is simply if we will endure and continue on in obedience even when things aren't falling together as we had hoped.  Sometimes you get hit even harder.  For instance, after having a pretty amazing Sunday and re-realizing why the Lord might be allowing us to continue to struggle financially, Shaun's car broke down (for the third time in six weeks) on the way to work Tuesday morning.  We've been nursing his poor little car along for the last couple of years.  It's got 220k miles on it and it's definitely seen better days, but it's payed for.  We've been trying to keep it and avoid another payment on another vehicle since we are still paying on the van.  Well, I think this was the final straw.  I don't think the little Nissan can go anymore.  We put $700 into it last month, and there's no telling that even if we fix it this time for another $300 it won't break down again in a couple of weeks.  So now we are left at trying to find an affordable, reliable car for Shaun to commute to work in, and that obviously means we will incur a new payment.  So we are prayerful and hopeful that we will find something that works for our needs and that we can make it work within our budget.  It's funny.  Sometimes when your prayer is to avoid debt and live within your means, you get hit even harder.  Sometimes we just have to laugh about it or else we might break down in tears.

It's times like this that I wonder, truly and honestly, is the Lord HEARING us?  Is he being funny?  It's certainly ironic.  But then I remember, "The Future Belongs to God."  I read that today, and it really struck me.  I have so many doubts, fears, concerns about the future.  How will we make such and such work?  How will we get through?  But we are indeed trying to be obedient.  We are doing all that lies within our power, and sure there is room for growth, but we are on the right path.  The Lord is ultimately at the helm.  He is in charge.  I need to remind myself of that more.  Because when I think I'm in charge with my little brain that can only think of the small picture, I get overwhelmed.  I get nervous, I start to doubt.  But the Lord is really the one in charge.  He will take care of us.  We will be okay.  Look, we got into this wonderful home, and I know without a doubt He helped us with that move.  I know, not quite without a doubt yet, so I suppose I should say I believe he will help us with our finances.  We will continue to make sacrifices to live within our means, and in time I believe he will bless Shaun with an even better job so that we can live more comfortably.  But in the mean time, he's teaching us to sacrifice, to work together so we don't go into more debt.  He will help us if we ask.  Sometimes we won't realize He's helping us until we can look back and see with our 20/20 hindsight.

I know the Lord loves me.  I know He wants me to grow and learn during my time here in this mortal probation.  This is the trial I have been called to bare, and trust me I'd rather have this trial than many of the others out there.  There may be far worse things I am called to endure later in life, so I will remember gratitude for all that I have.  For now though, I will continue to have hope in the future, and in the mean time I will do all that I can to make sure I'm learning and growing, that I'm stretching myself and giving all that I can to learn from this trial.  I will place my trust in God, for only He truly knows what the future holds for us and our little family.  That trust will squish out any room for doubt or concern.  And as I look back at my life, I can see His hand in even the small things.  I know He will continue to help me to grown and learn.  It's not supposed to be easy.  "We will prove them herewith" He says.  So through trials we are proven worthy.  The Future Belongs to God!