Life as a Working Mom

Last night I laid in bed next to Shaun and I told him I'm not sure how I actually work AND do all the things a mom does.  Not working the past week and a half I have been completely and 100% busy.  There's always laundry to be done, floors to be vacuumed, groceries to buy, meals to make, lunches to pack, and of course, most importantly, children and a spouse that need my love and attention.  I'm not sure how I go to work all day and do all of that.  I suppose the answer is like it is for so many, probably most moms this day in age, you do what you have to do, but what falls to the wayside along the way?  The work of a mom is so important.  I told Shaun that November will bring a harsh reality with it when I have to return to work.  It's not even that I don't like my job, because I do.  I love my colleagues and the work I do is noble and important, serving children and their families with special challenges.  I am not minimizing it's importance, but I also think that if I were to be able to stay at home these next five years, I wouldn't miss my day job at all.  I'd be doing the noble and most important work of all, the work of a mother.  O' how I wish this were an option.  I don't see how we could go without my income?  I certainly don't want to move back into a basement.  Moving was so important for our family to be independent and to grow, and yet moving to a basement apartment might be the only option if I were to quit my job and take on something part-time (apartments really aren't that cheap either you know).  I love our home.  It has been a huge blessing in our life.  Every day I'm grateful for it... for the neighbors, the beautiful finishes, the windows, the girls own bathroom.  And it's ours!  We moved in almost a year ago exactly and it's been a wonderful journey of making it our own that I take a lot of pride in.  After all, if I weren't required to work, I'd eventually like to go back to school for interior design... that or get my Ph.D. in Neuropsychology.  Anyway, I digress...

The point of this post today is to share with the void my internal mix of emotions regarding juggling work, life, and being a wife and mother.  The irony will be that by the time this baby boy is ready for school I most likely will be able to stay home, or be part-time.  I think I would do it too.  Even when kids are in school they need your attention.  Shaun has worked hard and his career is progressing, but if he were to take on the insurance for the family we'd be paying twice what we pay now, and he is now making just as much as me for the first time in our ten year marriage, but cutting our income by half is simply not an option.  We've talked about me going and doing private practice work.  I have my clinical license.  I could work under someone a couple of nights per week but I'd have to research more what that would actually end up paying.

The truth of the matter is there is comfort and security in my current job.  I know the expectations, and I know the schedule allows for flexibility with my family as well as wonderful holiday time and much of the summer off.  I get scared thinking about the unknown of another job, and to be 100% honest with the void and myself, I'm tired of social work.  It's exhausting!  It's draining!  At least at this point in my life, I want to give my mental, physical, and emotional energy to my own family, and many times my career leaves me feeling drained and under appreciated even more than being a mother does.  Sometimes I think that's why I throw myself into decorating my home or dreaming of interior design.  It's so polar opposite from sitting down with individuals who either cannot or will not help themselves.  So if I feel that way about social work, then why would I want to explore part-time avenues in the same career field?  Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about the past ten years (other than having to work period while having a family).  I still remember the very literal answer to prayer I received in college to pursue social work.  I was debating interior design or architecture vs. sociology or social work ( I know, so similar, right?).  I was sitting in the middle of sacrament in the Clyde Building at BYU and trying to seek guidance about my future.  If I decided to pursue Architecture, I would have to transfer to a different university after my sophomore year as BYU did not offer it as a major of study.  I was torn and conflicted. I had taken a Sociology class and was fascinated with the study of people.  A friend of mine had told me Social Work was just applied Sociology.  You could graduate with real skills that applied to helping people.  I was intrigued, but my love for design had been with me really since I could remember.  Even when I was six or seven I was drawing floor plans and cutting out photos of homes from magazines my mom had.  I would play house with friends and set up the homes in my mind with everything in just the right spot.  I'm absolutely certain it's a love I had prior to coming to this earth.  But I'm also absolutely certain I came with a love for others.  So I found these two loves in competition with one another, and that's when, in the middle of the Clyde Building, I heard a voice.  I heard a soft but firm voice tell me clearer than day, "Focus on building mansions in Heaven for others, not on earth."  It was such a strong and clear answer I could not deny it.  I was to pursue social work.  I would have later confirmations that I was on the right path, like when I took my intro to social work class and learned of obtaining the LCSW.  I knew then and there my career path was set.  I had my goal and I was going to achieve it!  And achieve it I did.  I've been licensed now since 2006, and I am grateful to have that professional achievement.  But again, does that mean I need to do this for a lifetime?  I've frequently wondered if a career change would be in order, at least for a time and season.  Who's to say I can't pursue both loves, maybe more, in my lifetime?  But it's just not an option at this point.  And bringing me full circle to my initial statement, I have a third love pulling me in a completely different direction from social work or decorating, and that is the love of being a mother.  O' how I wish I could simply focus on just that for a time, but it seems it's not a card I can play.  I haven't been dealt that hand.  I know many moms have to work.  I have come to terms with it many times over and look at all the good and wonderful things about my job, but again, like I said initially, having been home just over a week I do not miss it.  I am completely busy and wrapped up in being a mom and wife, and truthfully I think that's where I need to be.

I suppose all this contemplation has no real point seeing as nothing can change.  But what if it could? What if I could be part-time?  The numbers just don't add up.  I will take this to my Heavenly Father. It would take a miracle that only He could provide.  And if such a miracle doesn't happen, then I count my blessings and move forward.  But my heart is torn today thinking about it, and I needed to share these thoughts and feelings, even if absolutely no one reads this post.  Thanks void for hearing me.

Better than the Bachelor

 Last week I took Ella and Amelia out on special "Mommy Daughter Dates" to get ready for the school year.  Ella and I went to Target to get school supplies, and a few back to school clothes that were Ella and mom approved.  We topped it off by going to Panera's (her choice) to get her favorite mac n' cheese and hot cocoa.  She was a doll.  We had such a grown up conversation on the way there, and she liked getting to have a say about what we did and didn't get.  It was a really special afternoon, and she was so happy, especially when we ate.  Above she's pictured with her huge mug of hot cocoa.  She was an angel all day and wrote me the note below after we got home.  

Her note and those memories= best mom moment of the week (maybe month or year)!

So watch out Bachelor, I had two hot dates in one week, and they were way more beautiful dates than anyone I've ever seen on a reality tv show (actually I don't watch reality tv much but still).

I took Amelia out to lunch and she chose Chick Filet.  She spent most of her time ignoring me and playing on the playground with other kids.  I felt abandoned.  I guess next time I will have to change the venue if I actually want her to talk to me, but she still had a lot of fun and felt special to get to go out one on one.

I definitely think this one on one date time is something we need to keep doing (for the girls and Shaun and I), especially with a baby coming and so many changes happening.  I think it helps the girls realize how special they are, and it certainly helped me remember how awesome they are!  Love these kids of mine!  Being home on "bed rest" has been a wonderful opportunity to get some more quality time with the girls before this baby arrives.  It will be an adjustment for all of us, but I know the girls will step up and be big helpers.  

Look who's 4!

Last week, while all of her Texas cousins were in town, we decided to celebrate Miss Amelia's 4th birthday.  She was so excited, but all she asked for was a chocolate Dora cake (she later changed her mind and chose the Hello Kitty Cake) and a party hat.  We went out to the Millers pool (my sister's in-laws), and we had a wonderful time!  Amelia LOVED playing with her cousins, especially Lacy, who will be ten next month.  Nana and Papa came, and fun was had by all, but especially my little Miss.  Happy Birthday to my beautiful and precious Amelia Ruth!  I am so very glad you are a part of our family.  We love you!

1st Day of 1st Grade... Here We Go!

And here we go again...

Ella met her teacher last week and was really excited that she was young and sweet.  She looked a bit like Barbie and that helped I think, but she also seems very organized and calm.  Ella came home her first day a bit unhappy because school is "boring" and she didn't make any friends, but was in better spirits on her second day, saying that they did fun activities and she likes some of the kids in her class.  I'm praying hard that this is a good year for her, because heaven help us if she decides she isn't invested.  We're staying positive and I think it's going to be a great year of 1st grade!

Nursery Nesting

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today.  Now it's just a waiting game.  The C-Section is scheduled for two weeks from today, and the doctor has told me I need to take it easy.  I'm officially on bed-rest because my blood pressure had gone up, but now it's back down and stable, I think in large part to not having to be at work and having a certain 6 year-old start 1st grade.  In fact, I'm pretty certain there is a direct  correlation between my blood pressure and my strong willed six year old, but o' how I love her (more to come on her first day in a later post).

So this little man will be joining us shortly, and I must say I'm very excited to meet him.  He likes to have a dance party every evening in my belly around 9:30, and he really enjoys the move where he burrows into what's left of my bladder.  I think he's going to be an awesome and easy going little fellow, but again, is that me just hoping?  I'm not certain I can take any more strong willed personalities in this family between Ella and her father (and my father), although I love it and admire it and know it will take my oldest far in life.  And Amelia, everyone loves her.  She's my social butterfly.  I'm learning that now that I'm home with just her and Ella is gone.  She wants someone to play with her all the time.  She prefers people over things.  Her smile and that dimple... they still melt my heart.  I can't believe she just turned 4 (more to come on that too in a later post).  We're all ready to meet this addition to our family.  The poor little guy, I am so excited to dress him in bow ties and little man hats.  I figure I better dress him like that while I can, before he gets a say in the matter.

The photos above are of his nursery.  Shaun did a wonderful job on the board and batten wall treatment.  I'm hoping to do that in some of the other rooms in the house too, but for now we will stick with this as a start.  And we're going with a vintage aviation theme, hence the airplane art you see on the walls.  And you may also have noticed we have his name on the wall art too.  The girls are already calling him baby Alex, and Shaun is so very proud to be carrying on the Calderwood name using the name of his great grandfather x4 who joined the church and came to America from Scotland.  His name was Alexander Earl, and he has left quite a legacy of Calderwoods.  Shaun's dad was the oldest, and Shaun is the only son in his family, so he really feels like it's an honor to carry on this family name.  As much as I dislike the name Earl, I suppose there is something pretty special about coming from a long line of family members with that middle name (though I won't hold it against Alex if he wants to put an end to that family tradition).  I have always loved the name Alex, and so I'm fine with it.  Alex is a good strong name, and I've never met an Alex I didn't like.  I would love to have another son and name him Grayson Williams (Williams being my maiden name), but alas, I do not see that in the cards for us.  I'm about 99.3% sure this is all she wrote, but I'm leaving a window (a very very tiny window) open for whatever God has in store.  Pretty sure He'll be okay if we're done though... I'll check with him later on that subject.

So before I close, just a few reminders to my future self in case I decide I want to do this pregnancy thing again:
1.  I do not make a very attractive pregnant lady.  I swell EVERYWHERE.  I can't seem to find a way to sit, stand, sleep or do anything comfortably.

2.  I have never been to the bathroom so many times in my life.  Seriously, it's like once an hour, maybe more.

3.  Even though I've only gained 25 pounds during this pregnancy (vs. 40 with both of my others), I still feel larger than life, quite literally.  There are so many awkward and uncomfortable things about having a belly this large.  I'll spare you all the details and you should be thanking me profusely for that.

4.  People think they can say whatever they want to you when you're pregnant: like, "Wow, you're huge!" Or, "Hey, are you sure that's not twins?"  I get this later remark at least once a week.  You'd think some type of filter might come in handy for these individuals, but apparently they were not blessed with a gift of filtering their comments.  Inside voice...  I want to smack the next person that asks if it's twins, or look at them and say, "Ya' know, I should probably go to the doctor and check.  Maybe they missed that in the first 20 appointments I had."  I know people don't mean anything by it, but it's extremely annoying (depressing if I'm in one of those moods).  Some people are kind and say you "glow" but I think those are just the wise women who have been through it before and know that's really the only nice thing you can say.

5.  I am always tired, and yet a 6 and 4 year old don't really understand or take sympathy with that.  Because I have a blood disorder that makes me anemic all the time anyway, it just brings my blood count down even lower than it usually is, and exhaustion is a constant.

So remember future me, even though it's a wonderful blessing and something I will forever be grateful to have experienced, it's not that fun, especially at this point.  But with all that being said, I am truly grateful to be a mother.  I look forward to meeting our little boy in just two short weeks!  I have grand hopes of bouncing back and being ready to run my first half marathon in just a short nine months.  I may be crazy, but it's that hope and that goal that keeps me sane sometimes.

  

To the Moon and Back

Tonight when I was laying by my girls putting them to bed, I was overcome with love thinking about these two precious stinkers that I was laying by.  My tender mother heart was just brimming with love, and I know I have my moments of not-so-tender parenting, but tonight I felt impressed to share some of my thoughts and feelings about these two precious spirits Heavenly Father has entrusted to our care.

Ella- O' how I love her spirit and her tenacity!  She is smart, vivacious, full of life and curiosity.  I love her for all of the things she wants to know, and her earnest desire to understand things around her.  She is not afraid to say what she thinks when she thinks it, and yet she can be so tender and sensitive too.  She can be very affectionate and tender, but these moments occur on her terms, not anyone else's.  When they do occur, they are quite touching and sweet.  Her laughter brings joy to my soul, and her adventurous spirit is a constant inspiration to me.  Ella desires to do the right thing (most of the time).  She doesn't necessarily care to please, but she wants to do good because that is what is best.  She is a natural born leader with those that she associates with.  Even with older children Ella can take over and have everyone doing things on her terms.  I'm impressed with her as she matures and grows.  She's very challenging still in many ways, but I remind myself that her strong spirit will make her an excellent adult.  I want her to embrace that inner fire and do something remarkable with it.  In fact, I'm sure she will!  She is smart, beautiful, and so very strong (with a remarkably sensitive side she doesn't show very often).  I love her!

And Amelia- what a joy and delight this little munchkin is in my life!  She has a sparkle in her eye and a dimple in her cheek that make her warm and open to everyone, but these features also hint at a little mischievousness.  She is like a ray of sunshine, loving to laugh and to play.  She loves to be with others and gets along with everyone she meets.  She makes friends wherever she goes.  She is caring and sweet, and loves to give soft rubs when I lay be her at night.  She has such an easy going and fun loving personality, she's hard not to instantly fall in love with.  She is the perfect compliment to her big sister, easy going enough to let her fiery sister call many of the shots, but by no means a pushover.  She stands her ground when it matters and she makes her point of view clear.  Amelia is smart and perceptive.  She wants others around her to be happy.  She loves it when we make things into a game, and her favorite time is family time when we are playing games together or wrestling with her.  She is a bundle of love!

They are both so articulate and fun to be with these days.  They are also exhausting!  I am glad to be home from work these next couple of weeks as I am way worn out by 2pm (this last month of this pregnancy feels like it may never end).  Amelia and I usually fall asleep while Ella watches a movie.  We've fallen nicely into our little summer routine and are enjoying time at the library, the pool, and just playing at home.  This week the girls have done a half-day Parks and Rec Camp so they've been gone from 9-12 every day, giving me time to catch up on some home projects before this little baby comes to join us next month (pics of the nursery soon to come).  I have been in hyper drive nesting mode, pursuing as many projects as I can as I know after this C-Section I will be out of commission for a while.  I always feel like it takes a good 6-9 months to feel "normal" again, or find a new normal after adding to your family.  I'm excited about this new addition, but I don't look forward to the difficult transition before we find our new normal... the sleepless nights, the figuring out how to juggle three vs. two, the getting used to an infant and their schedule, but it will all come in time.

I know this little boy will take up just as much space in my heart as his two sisters already do.  I am anxious to meet him and see how his little personality mingles with everyone else's, but I know already Heavenly Father is sending the spirit that needs us just as much as we will need him.  I sense he may be laid back, but again, I could just be hoping!  He may not have a choice but to be laid back with these two big sisters.  As hard as it can be juggling so many things, being so tired, and oftentimes feeling unappreciated, I am so grateful to be a mother.  It's humbling to think that these precious spirits rely on me for their understanding of the world around them to a large extent.  I love learning about them and their personalities, and seeing how they take on challenges and life in general.   I am grateful for the honor and responsibility of motherhood.  I want my children to know, if they ever come back and read this, that they are so deeply loved, now and always!

Summer Lovin'

The Calderwoods have been enjoying their summer festivities so far.  This weekend we enjoyed a wonderful 4th of July celebration.  We started out the day biking to Old Town where they were having a kids bike parade down Main Street.  We live close enough that we actually biked to Main Street, and then the girls enjoyed riding their bikes through town.

 We met up with my cousin, Amy, and her family, who were here visiting for the fourth again this year.  We made plans to get together with them the following day.  

After our time at the parade, we decided it was time to do some sun splashin' fun at the pool.  The girls had a wonderful time.  Ella made a new friend, and Amelia ... well, just look at this photo.  Can you see the glee in her expression, minus the goofy goggles.  What a ham!

 We came home from the pool super tired and worn out, so after a little R&R (literally ALL of us took a nap), we went out again in search of fireworks.  This year we decided to try out Culpeper's show, and we were not disappointed.  The fireworks were wonderful!

Here the girls are waiting for the show to start.  No photos of the actual fireworks though this year.  My little camera phone just didn't do them justice.

Some of our other summer highlights have been going to visit friends.  Last week we went to visit my friend, Kristin, and her family, who recently moved to a new home in the Shenandoah Valley.  It was such a beautiful drive, we just had to stop and get some photos at the scenic overlook.

As long as I've lived in this beautiful state, I still find myself in awe sometimes at how absolutely beautiful Virginia is.  It simply takes my breath away, and I'm so grateful to live in this beautiful country.  I hope my children learn to have the same appreciation for this beautiful place where they get to grow up.

So I couldn't talk about summer adventures without mentioning our $24 purchase that seems to be the cure all for any summer boredom.  Our little inflatable pool with attached slip n' slide (i.e. big plastic tarp and water sprinker + dish soap) has provided the girls with hours upon hours of entertainment.  And Shaun and I can supervise from the deck above.  It's AWESOME!

We've also been to the library.  Ella got her very first library card of her own, and she was so thrilled. They are both doing the summer reading program that the library puts on, and here they are at story time playing with the parachute, although it looks like the adults are praying.  Really they're just solemnly supervising.  Funny though.

We've also been to the dentist for our cleanings.  My girls LOVE the dentist all of the sudden.  I take advantage of this love and have them brushing their teeth for fun.  I have to admit I even look forward to going to their dentist's office.  It's super modern and fun.  Even the bathrooms are modern but with fun touches for little ones to enjoy.  My girls liked the waiting area so much they wanted to stay and have a play date there.  I don't know if that means the dentist is extra cool, or our home is just super lame.  We'll go with the dentist being cool how about.

 And remember how I mentioned my cousin, Amy (short for Amelia), had come into town.  We got together with her and her cute kids yesterday for ice cream at the Carousel!

I just had to take a photo of the two most beautiful Amelia's I've ever met, even though Amy's daughter, Lyla, was not looking on rather skeptically in the background.  

My girls with their cousins, Lyla, and Gavin.   

And today, just because they're cute, I took some photos of the girls before church.  They are getting so big and even though I have my moments when I'm so exhausted and just lose it, I am grateful to have these two beautiful munchkins in my life.

 They're excited for baby brother to get here, but in the mean time, we are trying to make this a summer of fun memories and adventures.