Today Ella and I spent the day with some of my old high school friends. We really enjoyed catching up with one another and hearing about what everyone had been up to for the last ten years... TEN YEARS! How old am I? I realized as we talked how hard life had been for some of my friends who I thought would never have misfortune come upon them. We were young and all of us had similar dreams of being loved and having families, traveling, and doing great things with our lives. To think that any one of them would be hurting emotionally, or have struggled with illness, or financial difficulty... these things were unfathomable as a teenager. But as we talked I realized how human all of us are, and suseptible to all of the realities life sometimes brings. I think something about today has me needing to destress, and Ella screaming the last third of the drive home might have added to this need, but it's not the sole reason. I'm sad that human nature lends itself to selfishness, and that some people can be controlling and manipulative to their own families... that women I know, women that I respect, have been in such situations. I'm frustrated with myself for not taking a more active stand when I see people being mistreated. Why don't I stand up for what's right? And why don't I stand up for myself sometimes? I let work walk all over me, and sometimes I bend over backwards to accomodate others when I really can barely take care of my own needs. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm afraid if I don't then I'll be a selfish person too.
I know it's probably hard to follow all of this as it's rather cryptic. I think this blog entry is really more for me than anything... a little venting session perhaps. I've been told I need to have a stronger back bone sometimes, but maybe my fear is that if I do that, I'll disregard how others are feeling altogether and find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum, consumed only with my own needs and wants, and unwilling to listen to others. That side of the spectrum is certainly not a side I want to find myself on, and yet I believe a few people have found themselves there that I used to admire and look up to. I'm sad that I've lost my respect for some people. I'm sad that others have been mistreated and have been on the receiving end of their selfishness. I'm sad that I am not strong enough to change any of it!
I guess you never know where life will lead people. The only thing you can do is be a good person, and treat others with love and respect. You never know who is going to need you, even if you don't have a back bone!
4 comments:
I'm sorry, Becky, that you had a hard day. Life is just hard sometimes. For what's worth, I think you are perfect just the way you are. I sympathize with Ella screaming. Sunday night I was trying to drop treats off for my less active Visiting Teaching families and I had three kids screaming the entire time. So, I completely understand. Hang in there.
First of all, even if you "stood up for yourself" more it wouldn't change who you are. You are not a selfish person, you couldn't be, it's not in your nature or character, so don't worry about that!! There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel, and speaking out but it's all in the way it's done, I think. I also think it's good to be strong, but always striving for a happy balance of compassion too. All these qualities are desirable, it's just the wisdom in how we use them...which takes us back to the spirit, thankfully, who whispers when, how, why, what. Yes, life is hard and uncertain and it's all about are we becoming what Heavenly Father wants us to be. It's the journey there that is the test. For the record...I have the best (even though only) daughter-in-law I could ask for. You are a gift to this family and we all love you dearly. Love, Madre
I've always admired you for your character. You've played a big role in my life which has left me grateful for your friendship. You should never be afraid to speak your mind. The people who respect you would never intentionally take advantage of your kindness. (The people that matter won't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.)
Who did you get to see? I'm sorry I missed it... even though it sounds like a difficult visit in some ways.
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