Follow your heart, but what does your heart want?

How does one follow their heart when their heart is pulled in many different directions? Is this what they mean by stupor of thought? With the onset of snow days my little mind got to thinking as it tends to do and I began second guessing our thought to buy. I felt instead of being house poor in an unsure economic climate we might be better off staying put right here for a little longer. But of course I can't be satisfied with that answer alone although that one probably makes the most sense. I then began thinking we could pull off my working only part-time as long as I keep my benefits. This clever little idea is still something I feel pretty good about... with the exception that Shaun still isn't sure with what he wants to do with his life. Once again I'm back to where we've been the last five years. The only sure thing we have going is my job so does it really make sense for me to cut back. I have to be careful what I ask for because the school system is so hard hit right now I have a feeling they would jump at the chance to put me at part-time. But is that something we can truly afford if Shaun's job isn't stable?

So here's the breakdown:

1/3 of my still wants to buy. Let's not forget little Miss Decorator will be caring for not just one but TWO babies in a basement that while it looks rather nice is limited on storage and space. The pros are nana and papa are right upstairs to help and we LOVE LOVE LOVE our ward and would hate to leave it.

2/3 of me wants to stay put as long as I can go down to part-time and be home more come August when this baby comes (FYI: I haven't formally announced it via blogging but I'm expecting if you haven't gathered). That would mean more time at home and less daycare costs. I have felt very good about this choice.

100% of me wants Shaun to find a job that he feels secure with and maybe just as importantly a job that he likes. His current job has me expecting him to come home any day saying, "I got fired" or "I quit". I wont get into details but the gist is he isn't happy. We are grateful for employment in these hard times but we know it's only a matter of time that this job will last. With that being said I feel it outweighs anything I really want. It seems with this it doesn't matter what 1/3 or 2/3 of me wants. The bitter truth is we keep on keepin' on.

Let me say this. I pray everyday giving gratitude that we're healthy, that we have a comfortable home to live in, that we have been blessed to be able to have another baby, that we have employment. I try to remain grateful despite what we yet lack. I realize in light of what some of you are going through this is nothing at all and I pray for those of you by name that I know need help with something big or special. But as I look to the future I so desperately want direction for our little family. I feel stuck. Again I throw this out to the void. Will we ever get through this period? I honestly and truly feel Shaun will find success. He and I have both been promised blessings regarding our financial future but I know those blessings are predicated upon righteous living and making good choices. This time period is so critical, and yet I'm happy if I get to read a talk out of the Ensign each night. On a daily basis I try to get through making sure dishes and poopy diapers don't pile up and I try to keep Ella from drawing on the couch. I pray for patience as the terrible two's have hit though I think it's more like the "Curious constant energy two's". With such major energy put into survival and such minor energy put towards righteous living, can I really expect to be led? Am I really doing my best? I lack in so many ways.

I remember feeling like as soon as Shaun graduated our life would just take off and perhaps in different economic times it would have. He found a job fairly quickly considering and yet we were still in our same routine. I keep waiting for the big "Ahaa" moment to come to make it possible for me to be home more and work a little less? Will this moment ever come? The only way it can come is in the form of a groundbreaking job for Shaun. Oh how I pray this happens. We have few leads but until something actually comes through I don't want to get my hopes up.

I realize at this point I've lost most of you. Too much writing. But this is how I process. Forgive me for the rambling length of this post. This has become in a sense my journal so it's for me more than anything. But to those of you who bore through it thanks for taking time to hear about our little lives here. I am grateful for all we have. I don't know how the future will unfold but I do feel certain the Lord has a plan and in one way or another he will guide us. Our Iraqi friend read our tea cups and told us our hopes would be fulfilled through a tall family member so there you have it. Any tall family members want to step up and fulfill our dreams? There's only a couple of you and you know who you are. (Picture of Shaun and his dad with our Iraqi horoscope advisor and her family.)

Well, maybe not. I thank my Heavenly Father for getting us this far. I only hope and pray something can come together for us so Shaun starts to feel better about his career. Once that happens I know everything else will fall into place.