"Be still, and know that I am God"

I suppose if there were just one adjective to choose to describe my feelings and actions as of late, it would be impatient... maybe even anxious! Anyone who's known me more than a few minutes has gathered I'm organized, goal oriented, and I like to have a good game plan. This has been a wonderful trait in many ways as it's helped me get through my schooling, my husband's schooling, work, and other life challenges. Where "I yet lack" is in the phase that often comes requiring us to wait, rest, ponder, and know that God is at the helm. Truth be told, I think I like being at the helm. In other words, I like being in charge. How funny the Lord must think I am. I can hear him now, "Oh little daughter who knows so little of my plans for her, for the eternities, whose perspective is so small, would you please step back and allow ME, your Creator, to help you? I am at the helm, I always have been, and I always will be. Be STILL, and know that I am God!"

I think I have done all things that lie within my power at this point to change my circumstances. I so desperately want a home of my own and I would love to spend more time at home (granted I am aware it could be much worse... and yes, if you were wondering, it is the SAME old problem I'm talking about here of work/mom/home stuff that's been on my mind for eons). Within the last six months we started house hunting, only to have Shaun's first job not work out. When I thought a home wasn't plausible I asked my work if I could go part-time and was denied (probably best given Shaun's job situation but at the time I wasn't expecting that). Then I asked to go to a shorter contract so I could have more summer time off and have now found out this wont work out either this past week. I feel like every stone overturned leads to a dead end and it's left me feeling discouraged. Worse than that, it's left me feeling like I have done something wrong and that the Lord is punishing me for some reason. I should be more faithful, I should be a better visiting teacher, I should read my scriptures more. The "shoulds" have me weighed down with so much guilt it actually immobilizes me in an ironic twist of events.

In venting the above frustrations to my husband earlier this week, he pointed out a profundity that was hard to hear but nonetheless accurate. "You need to stop living in the future. Be happy with the here and now no matter what the future holds. A home will not be the answer to all of your unsolved problems. Only the Lord can help you find the peace you are looking for." Of course hearing it and doing it are two very different things just as knowing and actually believing are two different things. While I know Shaun's statement was true, it's hard to give up that control, to actually believe. But the Lord is aware of me and knows me well. June's Ensign just came in the mail yesterday and has a talk that seems meant soley for my purposes. Titled, "Don't Be in a Hurry", John C. Thomas is speaking directly to my heart. Here are some excerpts that really struck me (emphasis added by me):

" There seems to be little evidence that the Creator of the universe was ever in a hurry. Everywhere, on this bounteous and beautiful earth... there is evidence of patient purpose and planning and working and waiting."

My thoughts-- The Lord works in His time frame, not mine. I've done the planning and working, and now I need to wait and let the Lord unfold His plans and purposes. Shaun will be starting a new job with insurance in the next month. He's very excited. While we don't know if it will be his thing or not, I need to allow things to happen in their own time and not try to push my own agenda. The Lord knows my heart. If He can create such a beautiful earth, then He can certainly help us reach our goals, or better yet, help us realize He has even better goals for us.

and here's another excerpt:

"Learning to yield is foundational in the tests that follow... the word "yield" reminds me of another verb- to let- as in "let the solemnities of eternity rest upon your minds" or "let your hearts be comforted" or "let your hearts rejoice" ".

My thoughts-- To let, that's pretty powerful. This is so difficult for me because letting means I might not be able to change my current circumstances. But what I can do is try to enjoy what I currently have more and be more grateful for the things already in place for us. I think it's sometimes in the "letting" that the Lord has us "learning". Sometimes his answer is not an answer so much as just a trial of patience and faith. And that is His answer for me right now, at least for the time being. Just let things be, enjoy the present, let me be at the helm. It doesn't mean I'm being punished. He just wants me to learn to "let".

and here's a last quote:

"Be still, and know that I am God" I suppose that can be read as two separate commands, but I think it works especially well as a statement of cause and effect. If we will be still, put God first, call on Him first, and wait on Him always, then we will come to discern His still, small voice reminding us how well He knows us and how much He loves us."

My thoughts-- This reminds me of the scripture found in Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 that tells us to cheerfully (not begrudgingly) do all that lies within our power, and then stand still, and allow God to unfold His plan. I have lost my trust in the Lord over these last several months, and this has been a powerful reminder to me to allow Him to be in charge, to trust Him, and to stand still long enough to feel His love! How grateful I am for the humbling lessons that come when we only allow ourselves to receive them. How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father. Today I feel peace for the first time in a long time. He has a plan and we are going to be alright! In fact, we're going to be great!